Captain America Bucky Barnes Winter Soldier Steve Rogers Fan Fic - The Constant

Chapter Seventeen: The Nurse & James Barnes - Vulnerability

You know they are satisfied with his physical body and that Zola has been talking about the patient's mind. Is that what this is all about? Is that why they are trying to break him? It makes no sense. You know that whatever Lehmann has suggested is going to be bad for James. The man is evil.

Security is tightened. There seems to always be guards everywhere.

Doctor Lehmann has had another one of his chats with you. Your lessons with him are at an end. He has said he will be watching you closely, that if they find you have overstepped your boundaries then you will be gone. Its as easy as that. It makes you reconsider dying once more; how easy it would be to fade away but you will not, cannot, leave James alone.

It is not such a difficult rule to follow. James hardly speaks; sometimes you begin to wonder if he has forgotten how to. And when he does his voice is rusty and it is an odd word here and there. He speaks more with his eyes, which show you everything down to his bare soul, and sometimes that is worse than words.

He internalises his pain. He is trying to cope on his own. She does not realise the true extent of the torment he is suffering inside his mind. He just wants to reach out to her, to bury himself in her arms. To be held by her and for the rest of the world to melt away.

To you, his mind seems to be turning more inward every day. It is his only escape from this world. Your guilt of how he came to be here always rules your judgement and that is how you live your life.

One of the things you know that hurts him is the phantom pain in his missing left arm, one which many amputees experience. It is the worst kind as there is nothing there that you can work on to numb the feeling. He knows his limb is missing but it does not stop the reality of the pain, and there are days when you find him curled up, clutching all that is left of his left arm. All you can do is increase the morphine and hope it takes him out of it. You try to encourage him to let you massage the limb but it is rare that he will let you touch him now. Almost sometimes reacting as if the touch of your hand is too hot. Too painful.

Early on in the care of your patient you worried that the morphine would become an addiction. You have seen the way soldiers become dependant upon it before and you do not want to swap one problem for another. You talked it over with Doctor Jakobs and he tells you not to worry, it will not happen; it is something to do with the serum they gave him. It does not allow drugs such as morphine to get a hold of the body or the individuals mind. It explains why they are having to use such a high level of the sedative again.

*

One morning James is particularly fractious with her, drawing away as she tries to touch him. He is groggy, but seems more awake than he has been in a while – yet he continually turns away from her, ignores her. Stefan can see the effect this is having on Freya. How upset it makes her. Last night, Lehmann stopped the patient's evening sedative; he wanted to see exactly how James will react with no sedative to calm him. James is already having trouble controlling his emotions, controlling the reactions of his body, controlling himself. Stefan knows he is going to have to tell her the truth.

You return to the room and James won't even look at you, doesn't want to move out of the bed. It takes a few hours of awkward interaction before Stefan tells you what he believes is upsetting your patient; that one of the shower sessions is required. But he also adds to the problem. He tells you he thinks that the help you have given James so far is not going to be enough this time.

You look at him, wide eyed. "As in?"

Stefan blushes and ducks his head. He clears his throat. "You remember what we talked about?"

You blink. "What actually...? No I don't think - I mean I can't do that in the shower room...I..."

"No Freya, I don't mean that. I don't mean...all the way. I mean...you know..." and he gestures with his hand touching his lips as though he is smoking a cigarette.