Broken

Sorry

I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to live. I feel empty..... I feel alone...... He was something that I thought would never go away. I thought he loved me. I would always love him. I can't scream. I can't feel my throat. I can't feel anything. I feel empty without him. This is a dream. I terrible nightmare. This cant be true. Not my Cj. Not my brother who I loved for all my life. Not someone who I grew a powerful bond with and made me laugh when the world was against me.

Not someone who would always put a smile on my face. Where is he to do it now. Where is that smile that I'm going to miss on his face. The one that lights up the world when he laughs. Just to hear his voice.

This can't be true. This can't be happening to me.
I crawl back to my room unable to breathe. I'm hyperventilating. What do i do.

I look outside my bedroom window. I sit in the arch of the windowsill. It's raining. Oh the irony. The window is cold and wet and the rain is pouring down on it. Me to. Rain is pouring down my face while I feel so cold, while I feel nothing inside. Everything is black. What do i do. The rain is coming down harder now.

I put on my boots and my long sleeve shirt and run down the stairs. I open the back door and run. I run and run and run outside until I couldn't breathe. Which is nothing because I still can't breathe even if I'm not running.

The rain is pouring down on me and I'm soaked. I cry with the clouds. I sob and sob and my legs just gave out on me. I fell down on my knees and cried my heart out. I did something I haven't done in years. I cried. I never had a reason to cry. Cj would always make me feel better. He would always make everything better. But where is he. Where. I cant see him. I can't feel him. I don't feel anything. All I feel is the rain pouring over me.

My hair is covering my face and I just lay down on my back letting the rain pour down on me. I fell asleep. Until I felt someone carry me inside the house. Cj? No it wasn't. It was my guy best friend.

Ever since my dad past away Cj has always been there to protect me. I was never that close to my other brothers.

Evan lifted me up and carried me in the house. He gently put me down on the couch. He has a red auburn hair which barely comes down over his light brown eyes. He's very pale which makes sense because its always cold here with no sun.

He wraps me up in a blanket and gives me some towls.

He's angry. Which he never is. He is always calm so I never seen him angry before." Why would you go outside in the rain? Don't you know you could get sick and die." He sounded so mad so mad which made me cry again. His face softens. "Hey I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset, what's wrong". I couldn't speak. I couldn't get anything out of my throat it was dry. He lifted my legs off of the couch so I could put my head in his chest. I kept crying. I didn't know how to stop.

The last thing I remember him saying before I fell asleep was, "Know that I'm here for you".

I felt Evans hand gently pushing my black dark feathery hair out of my face. It felt nice to be under his arms. But even though I have blankets and towels on me, I still feel cold. I feel a shadow lingering over me except it's dark and it will never go away.

I didn't want Evan to know that i was awake, so i just layed there with my eyes closed, thinking of the memories, all the good times that i had with Cj except I knew there weren't going to be anymore.

"You don't have to pretend your asleep, I know your awake." I knew he knew I was awake. "I was waiting for you to say something." I barely said. My throat burned from not talking all day. "What time is it." I asked. He replied simply "Its 4pm." I didn't realize I slept that much. "You stayed." I said. Evan said,"I did." He stayed this late for me. I always liked Evan the best out of all our friends. He just understood me more out of the girls, like he could read me so well. I got out of his arms and apologized.

"No need to apologize, but are you ready to tell me what's going on?" My face went pale. I looked flushed. Things went even colder, which I didn't know was possible. How can I tell him, how can I say those simple words. I was gasping to breathe about to have a panic attack. Evan rushed me some water from the kitchen. "Here drink this." I drank. It burned my throat but it helped me actually speak this time. "I don't know how to tell you." He nodded and said" I will wait til you are ready." We waited for about 5 minutes and he was still sitting there next to me on the couch. I finally was able to say a word, " He left." Evan said "Who did?" "C....J." I said slowly. Then he knew.
Evan suddenly understood why I was acting this way. He knew why I felt broken. He knew. And I didn't have to say it aloud.

This sucks. The silence. I don't want to think.....to think about memories that I wish I could erase. It hurts. It hurts even more.

Evan finally spoke again carefully trying not to say to much, "I guess I can't tell you now." I suddenly looked in his eyes. He was being serious. His light brown eyes that had worry in them. He was worried about me. His eyes sparkled with seriousness and I knew this was no joke. I became worried. What happened that he wanted to tell me. He said, "I wanted to tell you this today, that's why I came over here to prepare what I was about to tell you, but then I noticed how you weren't in your room so I began to worry. I checked the backyard and saw you lying in the grass while it was pouring down but you weren't smiling. So I knew something was wrong." I nodded slowly at what he was telling me but he still isn't telling me what he wanted to say.

Evan spoke again,"I can't tell you now, you need to rest. I will tell you when your ready." "Evan. Don't you realize. I'll never be ready." I said offended. I can't believe he won't tell me. All he is going to do is worry me even more. Be afraid. I have two people in my life who I would die for. CJ and Evan. Evan was there for me at my worsts to. He has never seen me cry though. But somehow he knew i was still hurt at those times. This time he knows it's different. He knows what Cj means to me.

I say, "If your not gonna tell me now, can you at least promise me one thing." Evan looked at me and said "Anything." I believed him. I know I can always trust Evan. He's my best friend. I said to him sofly,"Don't tell Ally or Hanna." Evan looked at me with a "are you kidding me look". "Please". I said. He said "ok, I wont." He stroked my hair one more time and stood up. He said "I'm sorry, but I'm going to leave now. Your mother is here she just pulled up in her car.....Trina, be safe." I stood up too and hugged him and whispered in his ear "I will."

He pulled back and kissed me on the cheek. I was surprised and blushed. He left without looking back.

Just like Cj did.