Beauty Comes in More Sizes than Zero

Chapter 13

Levi looked down at his hands, nodding his head shamefully as he started to speak. "I never meant to hurt you," he mumbled, finally breaking minutes of long and awkward silence.

I nodded, "I know that."

"It just wasn't working anymore. I mean sure we were happy Klay, but we were kids." Levi stated, looking up at me seriously. "And I know that I can't even begin to understand how I must have made you feel that night, and you should know that breaking up with you... it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. But you know it too Klay, you may not want to admit it to yourself, but deep down you know. We hadn't been working for a while."

I opened my mouth, trying to find the words I needed to answer him, but Levi quickly cut me off.

"I broke up with you after I found out that you had found the ring." He continued hesitantly, "initially I was just going to propose but I knew that some ring wasn't going to just fix all the problems we had, and marrying you Klay, it scared the crap out of me, because it just wasn't right."

I nodded, pushing him to go on.

"Carly was just the natural next move." He shrugged, "and I know it's stupid, but my father wouldn't release my trust fund until I was married and with you no longer being a viable option Carly seemed as good a candidate as any. Plus, I knew I could trust her because of our history – which simply put her miles ahead of the rest of the female population."

I looked up at Levi as he told his side of the story, tracing every curve and crevice of his face with my eyes. I examined the almond shape of his eyes and the specks of green that showed through their deep brown. I noted his strong jaw and specks of grey that started to sprout throughout the black hair of his stubble, I even noticed the way his tan cheeks were slightly red at the edges giving him a feminine blush.

"Okay," I said. "I get it."

"You get it?" He asked, clearly shocked that I wasn't about to bombard him with a thousand questions or a river of tears. "You're not mad at me?"

I slipped my hand through my messy hair and took a deep breath; "no Levi I'm not mad. I spent so many years of my life being mad at you and honestly I'm just tired of it. I mean, sure, I wish you would have said all of this to me five years ago instead of leading me to overthink every moment we ever shared but I understand now, and I've healed, so thank you!"

The man looked up at me confused. "Thank you?"

I nodded "mhmm. Thank you for being honest with me today, and thank you for breaking up with me all those years ago and giving the both of us a chance to find something real. Thank you for taking the initiative I don't think I could ever have taken. Thank you."

Levi swallowed roughly. The vein in his neck pulsing - the way it always did when he got overwhelmed, "I just hope you weren't my chance at that romance. I just hope I didn't give up when I really should have fought."

I smiled, reaching over and grabbing his hand, "there's no way that's the case Levi. We were good, but we both deserve great!"

*

I left the restaurant about half an hour later, feeling freer then I have in years. And why? What had really changed? In all honestly, nothing. I just wasn't willing to admit that I was okay before. I had spent years being angry and mad and self-conscious, and all because of a bad case of selective memory.

Thinking back now Levi was right, we hadn't been working.

I stumbled into my apartment, practically falling over my own two feet. I was drunk off of happiness – was that possible?

"Kelly," Cassie's voice tore through my trance. "Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me!" I called back. "You in the kitchen?"

I locked the door behind me and strolled into the kitchen, to find Cassie sitting by the table - her blue eyes rimmed red.

"Cassie?" I asked, feeling my happiness immediately flush out of me at the sight of my best friend upset. "Are you okay?"

Cassie ran a hand through her hair, pushing the blonde locks back out of her face. "Things aren't good with Brian and I..."

I ran over to the table and sat down next to my friend, reaching out and grabbing her arm. "What? Cassie what are you talking about? Just this morning he was over here helping you pack up your room. You guys are moving in together."

Cassie wiped a fallen tear from her cheek and breathed out loudly, "we spent the whole morning fighting, that's all we ever do lately is fight."

Her words hung between us like heavy weights, her breathing growing steady as she took a couple moments to calm down.

"I found some texts." She whispered, looking down at a stray tear that had fallen onto the table, "he was talking to some girl about me, about or relationship."

I could already feel my pulse rise in annoyance as she tried to finish her story, if her tears were any clue to me, I knew it wasn't going to end well.

"He kept calling me desperate and delusional." She hiccupped, "he was using my insecurities as a way to flirt with her. Private things that I told him were written across his screen as a joke or a line."

I felt my veins begin to run cold, reaching out to hold her arm as a form of comfort.

"After I found the texts he kept making excuses," she continued. "Claiming he was doing it to make himself feel better and it had nothing to do with me. And he just kept yelling that he had insecurities too and this was how he dealt with them."

Cassie wiped at her cheeks, grabbing a tissue as she did so.

"We've just been together for so long," she cried. "And I really want to forgive him, I really do. But I don't know, I don't think I can this time."

"What?" I asked, shocked at the words that were coming out of my best friend's mouth. "Cassie he was basically cheating. Why would you want to forgive him? I don't understand?"

Cassie closed her eyes, a couple more tears sliding down her cheeks as she did so. "I've loved him for so long, and he loved me."

"Cassie."

"I work so hard to stay beautiful for him Kelly." She finally said. Her breath coming out in short bursts. "I work so hard to be thin, and pretty and fit. Too be perfect and happy all the time. If Brian can't love me after all that and after all we've shared while being together for so long, then who will? Who will love me?

I started at Cassie, and for the first time in all the years I've known her, I think I really saw her. Past all the perfect hair and perfect teeth, past the toned legs, the flat belly and round breasts. Past all the things that I always thought made her superior to me.

How could I be so dumb?

Insecurity's don't discriminate, they don't care if you're fat or skinny, or if you're ugly or beautiful. This girl sitting before me who I spent years thinking was the most perfect being to ever walk the planet, sometimes looked at herself and saw what I see when I look at myself. A million reasons why I can't be perfect.

"Cassie" I finally said, my own tears threatening to spill over "I will love you. Always. Forever. No matter what! And someday babe, you'll love you like that too!"

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