Late Night Writing

she sits

~A/N~ I wrote this one night when my mind was in a bad place and i had only been released from the youth mental unit that i volunteered to stay at-----

She sits there and thinks about the three suicide attempts that she has made on her life, only 15 she is, others call her a "suicide survivor" she called herself a failure, because she couldn't do something as simple as taking her own life.

To her the main answer for her struggles, sleepless nights, the thoughts and voices that would keep her awake at night and pester her in the day... was to take her life from this "wonderful world".

She may not have been bullied since primary school and has a loving family and great friends, yet she... still feels as if every time they say "we love you" or "we care about you" that's it is all lies to her nothing else.

She has scars covering her thighs and both wrist from the nights when she would cut instead of crying, when the voices would get too much for her and she would break...

When she felt like crying she couldn't, not at all on the inside there was a river of tears flowing but on the outside she looked dead, nothing would fall from her eyes, no tears, not one single drop.

She felt broken like a machine that no longer worked, she feels alone even though her friends and family say they are "always here for you" she knows that true but can't believe it, cause of that one time in 3 grade when her "best friend" couldn't and wouldn't apologize to her for playing an idiotic childish game on her, because of all the times that she has been lied to and mislead, because of these facts she can no longer trust and has her walls up as high as they can go so that she can't get hurt again.

For all of her life she has felt worthless, useless that she always, gets in the way of things, and still at 15yrs old that hasn't changed a thing, sitting up at night the temptation of a blade on her skin... she has been clean for almost 4 months now but the temptation is still there like a drug she want that feeling back.

After spending sometime in a youth inpatient unit because of her most recent attempt to take deaths hand and leave after all of the "I'm fine" or "just tired" she was still tempted by deaths hand, to take it and leave for good.

To finally be truly happy and to not have to idiotic thought that take her sleep away from her.

To be able to say "I'm fine" and mean it with no hidden agenda behind it to say "just tired" and have it be just that.

Still the idea of going on a walk with death was still there she would not give into the tempts of death again this time she was stronger.

Because last time was too painful, the realization of waking from her sleep, the pain of the vomiting.

The struggle of going to school and for the people that knew about the "incident" to be looking at her like some charity case or a lost child that needs help.

She didn't want that again.

So, as she stood with the noose around her neck her feet only just touching the chair beneath her, she would let death take her for good this time, and become the angel that everyone says that she is.

She kicked the chair away and along with that her worries, as she hang there taking in her last breaths.