TWISTED

Jakes POV.

1-Jakes POV💦
Life's so stressful at the moment to the point I just feel like going. Leaving the past and move forward in a different world. Sometimes, I think of just ending life, that life's not worth the living..the wait to get better to me right now is bullshit. How would my family and friends react though? I have my bestfriends by my side through anything, only some know about my depression. They all support me like no others would. Life at home isn't great, my depression is growing stronger and deeper by the day and my stress doesn't help causing constant panic attacks and anxiety. I shade away with all my problems, because I don't wanna seem like I'm attention seeking. I've only told the ones I can trust about this. One thing I've kept to myself though is my self harming. I can't keep clean. I hide away about it because I don't want people to notice my scars. I'm severely ashamed of them. I just lock myself in my room somedays away from everyone and bury my head in my knees, hoping "it does get better" as they all say. I sit and cry most of the time till I can't cry no more. Again, nobody knows because I don't wanna look pathetic but suffering alone isn't easy; I prefer to keep this to myself and deal with it, but it's difficult either way. I don't like to open up easily even though it's supposed to be better to. I feel that life isn't worth living sometimes. Somedays I'm fine and loving life, somedays I'm not and I'm low as fuck. Getting hate from me doing YouTube brings me down too, I act like it doesn't effect me but inside it hits me like a brick. On YouTube, I make life look like a dream, because nobody needs to see my real side, nor would they enjoy doing so. My dream is to make people laugh and always has been since a young age. I carry on my YouTube because it takes my mind of everyday life, it's my escape that actually makes me happy. My best friend Kayleigh always stands by me making sure I'm okay. She lives not far from me so when I need her she comes around. My mum and dad love her to bits and let her stay whenever. Even school nights just watching movies, sitting down and just talking away, or of a weekend helping me film, she means so much to me. She knows all my deep down secrets apart from two that I can't tell her about. Them being my self harming and that I love her so much. I'm so nervous nowadays meaning I can't ask her out, I want her to be mine but I haven't got the confidence because of constantly feeling sick from anxiety and panicking day in and day out. There has been times I've almost done it, but I backed out. Also, me being down wouldn't make it a good relationship really would it? I feel being with her would change my life around, but anxiety drags me down, even though she said she would support me no matter what I meant to her, whether we argued or whatever but with the amount she means to me, I can't put her through a horrible relationship after what she's been through in the past. We have the strongest friendship that I would regret losing. Deep down I love her so much that it hurts not having her. I think about her everyday and I love her comfort when I'm down, my feelings just grown and grow for her. My boy best friends are also the best I can ask for, I can't just credit everything towards Kayleigh because of the love I have for her. James is amazing. He always FaceTimes me to talk if I need advice or that little support. Lee is always by my side even though he feels down occasionally himself, but more so happy and we go though the hard times together. Ollie, he always tries to make me laugh and normally never fails. Those 4 are closest to me usually. I can't thank them enough, the words just don't come out, like my love for Kay.