There's been too many sleepless nights
Too many times that I've stared into glazed eyes
Too many times that I've held them up as they cried
Personal demons of others scratching and prying apart their hearts
There's been too many times that I've been hurt
Too many times that I'm sorry just turned to words
And too many times that those day and nights became a hazed blur
And just too many damn reasons that I've no reason to care
I've told myself not to care
I've cut out that portion of heart
I've told myself I don't care
I've picked those emotions apart
But with each day that turns to the next
And each season that turns anew
I'm still feeling something old
And it all started with you
And I'm too damn tired of haunted pasts
that only come to get me when those bright lights dim
Remind me that they're there and even though I turn my phone screen brighter
Unlocking it to get past the dark
They were never really gone
Those feelings that come crashing fresh and new
Are really that aborted portion of heart, old and just you
Just you and really I'm not just talking to you
I'm addressing all my past haunts
All the bad, bad thoughts
The ones I don't talk about
The ones you pretend I don't think about
The ones I deny myself too
Because in this big bad world I'm not just saying you
Because you is also me
And because I've been where you are, but not really
And will we ever know each other really?
Will we ever know ourselves, truly?
And I'm tired from running this marathon of I don't give a shit
So done with feeling everything that I've grown numb of it
How can I'm sorry become such a plastic phrase
Feel cheap and generic like some Valentine's day
Chocolate sold at the liquor store that's closed on Sundays
And some days I'm drawing a blank
Those thoughts and ghosts leave me awake
And I wonder why?
Why am I thinking of nothing?
It's these times that I remember my mado
Remind myself that I don't care
Why do I feel like there's something missing?
Breathe in vaporized bravado
Remember that portion of heart isn't there?
You had repeated that your heart hasn't been dropped to the floor
Too many times to count and that you aren't sweaty and nervous
Anxious those blank stares won't just notice
Really, you honestly don't care
Or so says the conscious contract you drew up
In that dark corner after you shed too many tears you threw up
And you subconsciously signed it with your blood when you were forced to grow up
eK@
