If Only

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I looked at my phone. I was half way home and hadn't called Trevor yet. I almost when to Mexico with my convict ex, how do you tell your boyfriend that. "Oh sorry but the guy the broke out of jail for me I might still be in love with him but do you still wanna be in a relationship" how am I supposed to talk to Trevor about any of this.

I looked at my phone some more and decided all that could wait till I got home. I laid back down and let my head hit the cold window. I closed my eyes and my thoughts grifted to that's of me and that fuck up Mickey.  His smiles his eyes I remembered every detail every scare. When he got shot in the leg stealing from Kash, when we got in that fight at the bar. A smile grew on my face, that night that fight was when he finally told everyone.

My smile started to drift as I remembered the last time I saw him. I told him I would wait for him, and I lied. I thought he wanted to change me he didn't. He told me he loved me and I broke up with him all he ever did was be there for me and I couldn't do it. Not even now I bailed on Mexico I bailed on Mickey again.

The bus came to a harsh holt and I hit my head on the seat in front of me. The bump pulled me out of my dream and I realized I was back in Chicago. I had been asleep for hours and the only thing on my mind was him.

I picked up my jacket and put in on I forgot I was home and it wasn't so hot anymore. I reached above my head for my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. As I walked off the bus I tried to remind myself that I had built a life, with out Mickey a happy one a good one. I was going to get off this bus and be happy fall right back into place.

"Hey!" Someone hollered at me. "Need a ride Ian" it was Kevin in his boob truck. I walked over to him. "You still have this piece of shit" I laughed getting in the other side of the car. "Hey this piece of shit got us threw some high summers" he started the car. I asked him how everything was since I had been gone. He filled me in on everyone's drama, and before I new it I was home.

"Hey uh Ian how everything going with you though?"

"I'm okay everything is fine great even"

"Staying on track taking your meds?"

"Yes, jeez what is this a fucking interrogation?" Something was wrong for Kev to be the serious."Sometimes times we lose people..." I cut in "I already no Monica's died, trust the only one shaken by that one being gone is Frank, by Kev thanks for the ride"

I got out the car and walked in. Trevor was sitting on a stool. "Where have you been!?" He stopped me so I couldn't walk fully into the house. "It's along story but I'm back okay it fine now" I kissed him and tried to shuffle passed but he wouldn't let me through. "Hello I'm back, they were all sitting on the couch watching something on tv.

"Are you ok did you have an episode?" He knew someone told him he knew I was bipolar. "Who told you" my voice got serious. "Lip, but Ian why didn't you say anything" I pushed passed Trevor and his back hit the shelf. I was about to yell at Lip when I read the news head line on tv"

"CHICAGO PRISONER MIKHAILO ALEKSANDR MILKOVITCH FOUND DEAD IN MEXICO"

Fiona turned to look at me. She got up and hugged me there we tears in her eyes. Why was she crying she never liked him. I pushed her off of me.

"I...I...I just saw him he made it across the border he was safe" I could feel the tears sliding down my cheek. "You were with him?" Trevor said with an anger tone. "Not the time Trevor" Fiona warned.

I stood up straight and walked to the stairs, I picked up the bat. "Ian what are you do?" Debby looked at me and I walked towards the tv and swing as hard as I could. "Holy shit Ian" Carl screamed.

"IAN! Stop calm down" I could here Fiona yelling at me but it all sounded like back ground noise, as I took a bat to the TV. "I should have just gone with him!" I cried as I dropped the bat to the ground. "I should have just gone with him" I fell and my knees sunk into my chest.  "He was right there right I front of me" Fiona grabbed me and I leaned on her shoulder. "Hey" she said grabbing my face "this was not you fault" she rubbed my head. "Mickey was just being stupid"

I jumped up and pushed her off of me. "He wasn't stupid" I yelled "he was different you never liked him anyway you never tried to get to know him" she tried to grab me again but I pushed her back. "He made me happy, he made me whole, and all you saw was a fucking delinquent" I went to grab my jacket and Trevor pushed me back. "You need to calm down, Mickey would want you to be calm"

"Don't you dare fucking say his name like you knew him" I took my jacket off the hanger. "Ian where are you gonna go huh" Lip said holding my shoulder "there's no where you can go so just stay" I shook my shoulder free and Trevor pushed me back I slipped on Liam's blanket and hit the back of my head on the star banister. Everything went fuzzy after that.