Life in Paintings

Chapter 19 - Wanderer above the Sea of Fog

I take a deep breath. It's ridiculous. I'll be gone from here soon. I don't know this guy. I'll never see him again. I can answer him. It'll never come back to haunt me. So I do tell him, honestly, how I feel. "Small. I feel small. Small and insignificant. I feel like I don't matter here."

And it's true, It's so vast and grand and impressive and there's no human trace here, no clue that we even exist in that landscape. We don't matter. I don't matter.

"And that's a problem? Do you have to matter?"

I frown. I don't want to hear that. It pinches my heart. "Why can't I matter then?"

He shakes his head, like he's explained himself wrong and he needs to do it again. "I'm not saying you don't matter. I'm just saying that it shouldn't matter if you do or not. But that's not the point. Sure, you might feel insignificant, and small, but you should also feel like you're part of something else, something bigger when you look at those mountains, at this majestic landscape."

"Part of something?" Like some kind of malicious curse?

"Yes!" He looks exited telling me this. "Don't you feel it? Doesn't it feel like everything is possible, that the future is unknown and not set and we're just a small part of it?"

"I just feel like I don't matter," I tell him. He says beautiful things, things that just don't register with me. I don't know what year this is, but if I did I could probably tell him what his future is. His future is already set. And I think mine no longer exist beyond this curse.

"But you do matter, we all matter. We all have a reason to be here, we all have something that drives us, and we all have a purpose. Some people just take longer than others to find it. Some people never find it."

I'm honest again. "I don't think I'll ever find it."

"Is this what you were looking for here? Your purpose?"

Is this what I'm looking for? My purpose? I don't think that's what the curse is here for. It's not here to help me understand and love myself. It's here to punish me. It might give me life lessons, but they usually end up bloodily.

Still, I humour him. "Yes, I came here to find my purpose."

"Don't rush it. It's not something that's pressing."

It kind of is for me though, I guess. The faster I figure things out, the faster I get out of here. Or at least I hope so. Maybe I'm already doomed. Maybe I'll never get out of here.

I look away from the man and towards the vastness of the landscape.

It's beautiful. I have to admit it. I would lie if I said it wasn't. It's the kind of picture someone would share on Instagram and brag about finding this spot.

"Well, my big thinking is done for the day," the man says, bringing my attention back to him. He's beautiful, in a peculiar sort of way. His eyes aren't right though. Too blue. Not caring and brown and playful.

Don't cry about Gustave, you don't deserve it, it's your fault that you'll never see him again.

"Do you want to come back with me? I need to head back home, people will start to worry if I don't come back soon," he explains.

That must be nice, people worrying. "People won't worry if I don't come back," I tell him. Nobody is waiting for me. "I'll just stay here a little while longer."

"Are you sure? It can be difficult to find your way back home."

I lost my way back home a long time ago, I think to myself.

"I'll be fine, don't worry about me." I smile faintly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He doesn't look too sure if he should leave at first. He probably assumes that I'm not serious about staying here. Where else would I go though? I don't feel like walking for miles with a stranger. I don't feel like going back to where people are waiting for him.

I just want to be alone.

Alone and insignificant.

Finally, he decides that I must be serious because he says his goodbyes and leaves.

I watch after him until he's nothing but a little blip in the landscape.

I shiver. I'm freezing. I need to find a coat in the next painting I'll be in.

The next painting...

I could jump off the cliff to end this and move on, but instead I just sit down and wrap my arms around my legs, nesting my chin against my knees.

And I just look and look and look at the mountains and at the fog and the nothingness until my eyes close and darkness engulfs me.

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This is my post for February 2nd. See you tomorrow! :)