Spirit Of The Centaur

Sleepless Night

FAUNA'S P.O.V.

I had never kissed Ash like that, in fact, I had never even kissed him at all. We shared the same bed and lived together, but I had never really done anything like that. I stopped kissing him, perplexed by what had just happened.

"Mmmm, that was great love. How come we're only now just kissing, I've been wanting to do it for weeks!" He informed. What? Why had he wanted that? Why did I even want to kiss the girl in the first place? She was just a sweet girl I met... A sweet, beautiful, magnificent girl. Now I remember. I've only known her for a few hours and I'd rather marry her than Ash. Ash was a great guy and all, but to me, he felt more like a little brother than a lover. It just didn't feel right. Pretty much every girl in the camp was head over heels in love with Ash, every girl except me. Why was I even feeling this way towards her? Was I gay? No, no, I've crushed and loved other boys in the past. Everyone in the camp is completely fine with homosexuality and all that, it's natural, you can't choose whom you love. One of my very own best friends is gay, Cliff. But I've never fallen for a girl before, and I've fallen hard. She's like water, I need her to survive and yet she's drowning me with her beauty and kindness...

It feels so wrong to like her like this. I have a duty to my pack and to my family. I can't let anyone know about this. I may have already wanted to back out of the wedding but now that I like this girl... it just makes everything worse.  Luckily I can kinda control myself around her. Yes, I know that just now I thought I was kissing her, but it wasn't her so it doesn't really count. Kinda. My father would be so disappointed in me. Not because I like a girl, but because it means I might have to back out of the wedding, and ruin everything that he planned. How would he even react? Angry? disappointed? Frustrated? Let down? Annoyed? Ugh,  don't know! What do I do? Do I tell him and Ash, or do I keep it till death do us part? 

"Yeah, it was okay. I just wanted to see what it was like, you know?" I lied. I couldn't tell him that I thought he was this girl sleeping in the other bed. I don't know how he'd react. "Well goodnight, Ash," I say and roll over, turning away from him.

"Goodnight." He said, kissing the back of my head softly. He then put his arms around me and held me close, I can't say I hated it, but I didn't enjoy it. It still felt weird. I took me forever to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. It probably would've been worse if he was my first kiss, luckily he was not. My first kiss was when I was 13, some of my friends and I were playing truth or dare. It was my turn and I was dared to kiss one of the boys. His name was Leo. To this day I can't remember if it was an actual crush or me just pretending to fit in with the other girls. It was just a peck on the lips, but to make it more awkward, he put his right hand on the back of my head, forcing me into it and his left hand on my back, pulling me closer to him. Not the greatest experience. I hated it really, but I still boasted about it at the time, it's quite a big thing to kiss someone, let alone someone as attractive as Leo. I shudder at the memory. Let's just forget that ever happened, okay?

Thinking about all this has made me wonder if I actually like guys at all. I believe I've had crushes on boys before, but now I'm not so sure. Why am I only now confused about my sexuality? Maybe I'm just bi, ugh I don't know! Why is this so difficult? I'll just try to work all this out in the morning. I close my eyes shut, trying so hard to fall asleep. Nothing. I feel so tired, but I just can't get to sleep.