Conform | Joshler Fanfic

The Lonely

One note I found was written to me when I went through my worst phase. In seventh grade I began to cut myself and Josh found out. He got really sad and told me not to do it anymore. He sent me a letter and in it he listed out all the things he wouldn't be able to do if I left him here alone. He told me he wanted to see me happy and that he would help me all the way. And he did. Eventually, I stopped harming myself and Josh was very happy.

There was a note written to me from fourth grade. I was about 9 and Josh was also. It was a short note but he asked if I liked the flower he picked up for me at recess. I remember that day. I was laying on the grass and Josh came over and lay down next to me. He handed me a daisy he plucked from the ground and said it was for me. It was a really pretty flower and I thanked him. Later he gave me a note saying if I liked it and I said yes. I really thought it was sweet of him. He would then always bring me little flowers everyday during recess. I loved him for those small things he would do.

A more recent card was from eleventh grade. In it he talked about how I didn't have to worry about anything for the future. He was reassuring me again that everything would be okay in the end. He loved me and would always protect me.

The last note I decided to open was the very first note I've ever gotten from him. It was written only one day after we met. We were both 8 years old at the time and the note from him was short and simple:

"i hope we are friends forever tyler. i think you are special and very nice. i hope that we stay friends until we grow old. i will always be there for you tyler. never forget that. :) -joshua" 

A tear ran down my face as I read the last line. Just the fact that we were both so young and innocent and here he was telling me that he would be there forever next to me. And he was. All the way up until now.

He left.

I shut the note gently and put them all away back in their drawer. I got under the blankets and into bed. 

I lay on my pillow looking up at the ceiling. What would I do now without Josh? Would I ever see him again? 

I closed my eyes and hoped to drift away into my dreams and sleep. But I knew I was going to have trouble sleeping and I did.

I couldn't sleep for days. I barely ate and I avoided social interaction. I wouldn't even talk to my parents or brother. Everything was going down the drain for me. My hopes and dreams were being crushed. Josh helped me defeat my worst enemy but even so, I still had doubt in me.

I was lonely and hopeless.

I shouldn't have been. I knew that without Josh now, I was going to have to man up for myself. Josh told me to stay strong and brave. I intended to do just that.

So I got my priorities straight and was going to do my best, without Josh now.

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I started to eat more now. I began to sleep peacefully more and more each day. I wasn't afraid of things anymore. I studied in school and got my grades up. I began to work out and practice on my instruments more and more. 

Graduation came along and I was there along with several other seniors. I went up on stage and got my diploma. I was happy. I looked into the crowd of students and noticed the seat that Josh was supposed to be sitting in. It was empty. It stayed like that in "memory" of Josh who had committed suicide after escaping the police. But I knew he didn't escape and that he was still alive out there. I just knew.

I didn't go to college but I stayed home and got a job working at the music store in Columbus. It was nice seeing other people interesting in music and it made me happy working somewhere that I felt like I belonged.

I got some tattoos on my arms one day each symbolizing something meaningful to me. And yes, one of them was about Josh.

I continued to practice on my ukulele and bass guitar everyday. I started to write my own songs and sing but not in public though. I was still too shy. 

The years went by and still no sign of Joshua coming back. But on every Christmas Eve of every year that went by I would go into my room and light candles in the dark. Every year I added another candle according to however many years went by since I lost Josh. I'd light them and sit in the dark looking out the window in hopes that someday my boyfriend would come. 

In hopes that I'd get to see that red hair of his, his soothing hands, his genuine smile and of course his mocha eyes.

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It's been ten years since I last saw him. 

I sit in bed and say one final prayer before I go to sleep. I blow out the candles slowly one by one. I take a final look at the picture on my bedside table. It was of Josh and I hugging and smiling at the camera. His face was scrunched up and my face was...happy. We both were in love with each other when it was taken. Truth is, even after all this time without him, I still was.

I smiled. "I hope you're safe and okay. I love and I miss you Josh." 

Ten years without Josh but I managed to stay strong and alive just for him. He would've wanted that.

I pulled the blankets over me and closed my eyes. 

I would get to see him now in my dreams. But it didn't matter. 

As long as I still got to see him in my dreams, I was happy. 

 I only hope he dreamed of me as well and was happy just as I am in my dreams. 

Chapter one is complete! Hi! I hope you enjoyed this chapter oh my gosh! By the way, Tyler is now 28 years old so yeah he's an adult now. This sequel will be shorter than the first one but still as surprising and shookening as the other. I hope you guys enjoy it and we'll see where it heads. Stay safe everyone! (-:  - adrian