Tarina's Rambles

Mental Health

Today at college, as I was leaving my first class that had ended at 11:50am, I entered the concourse area at my college. Across the concourse I noticed a booth that read, "Write a note about mental health". Although I didn't stop to write a note, it started to make me think about what I would have written had I stopped. I have had my fair share of mental health problems. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, mild OCD, and mild PTSD. The anxiety and OCD is something I have always had, but the depression and PTSD stemmed from experiences from my childhood. 

Now, I don't have any problems talking about what happened to me as a child, full detail and all. I will tell an absolute stranger. I don't tell people because I want pity for what happened to me, but so that people are aware that this stuff happens and that you can rise from it. That you can survive, just like I did. Now, I will share with you.

When I was 3 years old, my "father" sexually assaulted me. I do not remember the incident because as a child, I blocked out the memory... or so psychologists say. However, the incident greatly impacted me growing up by staying in my subconscious. I few times, I have asked my mum to tell me what had happened, but every time she begins to describe it, my anxiety levels and PTSD would hit the roof and I would ask her to stop. To this day, I do not know exactly what happened. What I do know is that for all of elementary school and some of high school, I was afraid to be alone with any male teachers. I didn't know why I felt this way until later in high school when I found out what my father had done. 

Later on in high school, my mother started to verbally (and sometimes physically) abuse me. It got to the point where EVERY SINGLE MORNING she would yell at me, get extremely angry with me,  and just find some excuse to get her blood boiling. She usually dropped me off at school in the morning, so I would avoid her until that moment- but it didn't matter, because something would happen in the car to make her mad at me. There were times when she would go through stop signs, speed around corners, slam on her breaks in anger. I feared for my life in the car. Once, she'd told me that if she had a gun, she would use it on me. That has stayed with me since then, and it will probably stay with me for the rest of my life. My own mother, the only parental figure in my life, wanted to kill me. 

On Valentine's Day, I gave her a card saying that I loved her, even though I did not. As a child, you feel incredibly guilty if you don't love your own mother. She gave me a card saying she loved me too. I asked her later on if she really did love me because it didn't feel like it at all. She told me to shut up and fuck off. I went in my room and cried.

On top of all these instances that happened with her, and I will not list them all- there were far too much, I had just started having a sexual relationship for the very first time with a guy- a guy who wanted nothing to do with me. I wondered Day in and day out why this guy only wanted me for my body and not myself, questioning what was wrong with me. I was new to this, and I didn't understand. It hurt even more that I knew he was seeing other girls as well as me, but I continued to let him use me. 

With all the abuse and the bad relationship, it was too much for me to handle. Every single night I locked myself in my room and I cried. I listened to sad songs and I cried. Nobody liked me, I wasn't good enough, my mother hated me, and although I tried to convince myself that when she would say I was worthless or a bitch that she was wrong, hearing something like that time and time again starts to make you wonder if you really are.

I started to want to kill myself, and this is where this ties in to what I saw in the concourse today. Many, many times I wanted to kill myself. But I knew, somehow, that it was not the right thing to do. How did I know this? Because every time I felt like I had to end my life, I always found a reason to stay alive, and I would hold onto that reason like my life depended on it- which it did. And that is the advice that I would give somebody. FIND that one reason, no matter how small, and hold onto it. You might feel like there's no reason to live, but there is,. There always is. And it will get better. My reason was my animals. I knew that nobody would take care of them if I died, that they might even starve because people would ignore them while grieving for me. So I stayed alive for their sake, so that they would not suffer because of my misfortune. And they kept me alive for many months. 

I did try to kill myself once, and that is when I got help. The police and ambulance were called and I went to the hospital. My mother then realized what she had been doing to me. The impact of what she would say. She was so clouded with anger that all her common sense would leave her. When I went to the hospital, her mind cleared and she cried many times that night. She has never forgiven herself for what she has done to me, the damage she has brought upon me. But she stopped. She put my in therapy and we went to family therapy ourselves and they helped us to realize what was happening, why she was so angry, and how I could deal with my depression. 

I was happy I didn't kill myself, and I realized through therapy that there is always a way out. It might seem like there is none, and you might not see it yourself, but there is always a way. Somehow, someway. Ever since then, I vowed to never let my depression take over me that bad. I still feel depressed sometimes, but I always made sure to use the tools that were given to me in therapy to insure that I would never get that low.

It did happen one again, two years later. I was in another bad relationship. My ex boyfriend didn't understand me, wouldn't communicate with me, would lust after guys and girls right in front of me, constantly talk about his exes, insult me, get angry with me, and he had no common sense. One night, after feeling alone and having him get angry and throw a chair at me, I went to my car to get something. All it took was for me to drop my keys to break down and collapse onto the ground in a crying fit. I needed to leave, but I couldn't drive. I just started walking. I was deciding whether I was going to kill myself, how I was going to do it, or if I should just start walking home. (I lived 30 minutes away by driving, so it would have been a rather long walk.) I ended up just walking around the neighbourhood, hoping they wouldn't find me but also hoping somebody would help me, somehow. I soon broke up with this guy after he'd told me that he loved one of his exes still. I was finally free of him.

Now, an entire year later after that instance, I am the happiest I have ever been. My mum is now supportive, and our relationship has almost fully mended. She has never been cruel to me like that since the hospital incident. I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me, understands me, and only ever wants to make me happy. I go to college and I am doing something with my life. 

I still get upset and depressed sometimes, even at the smallest things. And it hurts me to see my boyfriend sometimes get upset over me getting upset to easily. I know it's not fair for him when I get upset over nothing. He knows I can't help my feelings, but I can see that it frustrates him. I am a damaged person, and I am trying my hardest to fix what has been done to me. But this is not easy. All I hope is that he somehow understands that and is patient with me while I figure out how to go back to my old self, or if I even can.

I am grateful for what I have now, what I have achieved and what I strive to achieve. I am grateful for the people around me. I am very happy that I did not end my life at the darkest part of my life, because then I would not be where I am now. And I know that if I could, I would have regretted ending it all. 

So while you might feel lost right now, all you can really do is find that one thing to hold onto and wait for things to get better, or go and find help if you can. But if you can't, just hold on. That's all you can really do.