Finding Me

 I had been good friends with this guy back in middle school. He was nice, had my back and I had his, we cut together, for different reasons of course but it was something we shared and understood. He is actually the one that told me about it, showed me how to do it right. We hung out after school, ate over each other’s houses, I really like being his friend. His parents were also really cool and his mom made amazing stuffed pork chops which are my favorite. He told me one night he was gay and trusted me enough to tell me first. Together we told his parents, I was really happy to be there for him as a friend, I could tell it wasn’t easy. His parents accepted the thought with open arms, that their son, their only son, was gay. Everyone was crying, I think I was too. If only the town could have been as accepting as his parents. As soon as people found out, as soon as they learned they weren’t going to force him to gay-straight camp, weren’t going to do anything to him, they kicked the family out of the town. My parents found out and sent me to church, told me to pray for his soul. They told me I needed to be cleansed as well because I had been friends with him. They told me he was filthy and they didn’t want that to pierce their son. I’m not quite sure what happened to him, Mark and his family packed up and left town one night. Someone had tagged their house with the words, “mourn for your sins,” and “fags are beasts.” The day they left, their house was burned to the ground. I am not glad they left; I mean I am glad they are safe, hopefully in some town less hateful than this one. I just miss him. You’d swear we lived in the dark ages or something. We don’t, we just think like that apparently.

            So my dad didn’t get the call until after dinner thank God but I was in my room when he found out. At my desk doing homework and he storms in, beyond pissed with me. Before I can say anything he grabs my ear and pulls me up from my chair and out of my room to the kitchen. You’d swear I was still a child by the way my parents treat me.

“You ungrateful bastard!” My father’s hand went across my face as he spat those words at me. I saw this coming though I knew that, I knew that all day.

“How hard is it for you to show some respect?!”

“I did nothing wrong! She’s been cheating on me, was I supposed to let her get away with it? It’s not like I touched her I just agreed that we were over.”

“You called her a self centered bitch! Do you have any idea how much trouble your mother and I went through so those rumors about you would end!”

“Mark was just a friend!”

“Don’t you dare speak that sinner’s name!” This time I tasted blood in my mouth after I was backhanded across the face again. God I bit my tongue, I should have been prepared for that.

“I’m not sorry we broke up, you never should have set us up to begin with!” On my feet I stared into my father’s eyes as words came out of my mouth, words I could never take back. “Besides what if I really was gay then what huh? You still gonna force me into a relationship?!”

“Get out.”

“What?” My whole body  seemed to freeze hearing this. What had I just done?

“Get out of my house.”

“Fine! If you want me out then I’ll go!” What was I doing?

“Greg. Greg don’t do this.”

“Mother.” “Stay out of this Karis!”

My mother shouldn’t have to deal with this, she was married to this bastard but she was still my mother.

“Greg, tell me it’s not true. You’re not, you haven’t become one of them have you?”

“Mother it’s not like that I promise.” My voice quieted to just above a whisper I couldn’t see her so scared, pleading with me to ease her mind.

“If you’re confused then come with me, we’ll go pray, we will go find you help. You’ll see you belong here. Everything will be fine Greg I promise. You’re just at a strange age but let us do this and I promise you we won’t set you up with a girl you don’t like. You’re a young handsome man I’m sure you can find the woman of your dreams on your own.”

“Mom, stop, please, just stop. I’m not going to church to pray. I’m not going to change who I am. You know what, I may be gay and if you guys don’t like it then you can go fuck yourselves.”

I have never seen my father as mad as he was just then. Grabbing my arm he dragged me to the front door and threw me out.

“Never show your face here again. You’re dead to us.”

Having the door slammed in my face and hearing my mother pleading with my father to let her try and save me was too much. At the same time though I knew I had to turn away, this life of mine was over and I could never turn back. Walking away from my home I saw the ashes of Mark’s house.

“Mark, you were always the lucky one. I wish I could have left with you.”

Feeling tears in my eyes I saw everything I knew growing up one last time. I had no money, no clothes, no family but I knew I had to leave this town. Something had to be better than this.

By the time I was in Portland my feet were tired and I was spent from all that happened today. I wanted to find a place to sleep yet that thought terrified me. I didn’t want to be defenseless out here. I had only been here twice before and both time were with my parents for some specific reason so I didn’t know it too well. But I knew this was my best chance at being able to start fresh or at least find a job. I wasn’t terrified of being here at night but I was scared of walking into a part of the city that I shouldn’t be in. Seeing a few clubs that were starting to open I debated trying to get in, maybe learning a bit more about the city. After standing in line for hours I was denied access to two clubs, I was laughed at trying to get into the one. I had my driver’s license but I wasn’t twenty-one or even eighteen. All I wanted was some answers, some idea on what I should do now but the body guards wouldn’t budge on letting me in or talking to me. Shit, this really sucked, I guess I was finding a street and sleeping in it. I didn’t care I just didn’t want to get caught up in something.

Walking around I saw a bar open, that could work. I couldn’t sit at the bar but surely someone inside could help me.

“You don’t want to go in there.” Hearing a voice behind me I stopped and jumped to face them.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I saw you trying to get into the clubs. What’s your name?”

What was this guy playing at? I wasn’t stupid, I could tell he wanted something.

“You’re a runaway aren’t you?”

“What? But how did you?”

“Most pretty boys like you are. You need a sponsor to get by out here. Just a little FYI.”

“Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about but I appreciate the info. Have a nice night.” Casually I walked around from him and once I was sure I wasn’t being followed I ran. Seeing the ocean I ran to the beach figuring I would be safe there. It was the end of February, not exactly beach weather though. Crouching between some rocks I watched the water glisten from the moonlight. So this was what it meant to be homeless, to not know where your next meal would be from, if there would even be a next meal. Watching the waves crash on the beach I felt my eyes begin to water and tears start to fall. God I wanted to cut so badly, I wanted to curl up and die. Why did I have to go against my parents wishes? Why didn’t I try to act like I was lost and confused? Was I going to die out here?

“Mother, Father, I want to come home.”