Trapped Inside Myself

    On a stormy evening, lighting cackled and thunder beat the earth like a drum. The wind howled and the trees shivered and shook, leaves were ripped from their perch on the long, slender finders of the old willow trees Grandpa had loved so much.
    The willows tapped their boney fingers on my  window reminding me of a scary movie I watched. As I lay awake in bed hiding under my star wars blankets and holding my teddy bear Mr. Cuddles. Fear gnawed on my belly like a lion does a zebra while unease laid on my chest like one of those obese retirement cats, making it hard to breath.
      I knew something was wrong, but what was it? As my fear grew it took form in the shadows on my walls, reaching for me with deadly claws and without Grandpa I felt weak and unimportant; I was lost and terrified without him near me.
      As I listen to the tap-tap-tap of the old wooden fingers on my windows, the howling of the wind, and the great rumbles of thunder, I wondered what grandpa must think of me; his granddaughter who was always in the woods; getting lost in the freedom of the woods.
       My waist length ebony hair always matted and nasty at the end of the day but he was so gentle when he took the ebony mess and made me into a beautiful princess. When my family gave up on me grandpa didn't, he called them damned fools.
     Laying there now, watching the flashes of lighting striking as fast as a cobra it reminded me of him, grandpa was strong and lightening lived in his soul, lighting up his blue eyes and making him that much more special to me.
    Needing him I crawled out of bed quiet as a mouse I ran across the floor to my door opening it on its silent hinges, my black night gown brushing my ankles as I grab the candle from the window outside my room, overlooking the mansion's court yard, and walk three doors down to grandpas room.
      I immediately knew something was wrong. The old wooden knob felt ice cold and the sinking sensation in my chest grew until I choked on it but I kept chanting "grandpas fine. He's too strong for anything to happen to him." So I slowly opened the door, silent as death I crept to the side of his bed and let out a strangled cry
      Grandpas eyes were open and a faded blue instead of his bright blue and his hand was reaching for the door, like he had cried out for help and nobody had come, his mouth was open and blood trickled down his nose. I didn't know this man, my grandpa couldn't die. His eyes were lying. This wasn't my grandpa! I faintly heard a high pitched scream as I backed into the wall, I wanted to tell whoever was screaming to shut up but I realized it was me and I covered my mouth as I slid to the floor, sobbing from the very bottom of my soul I hit the wall behind me with all my fear, anger, love, and pain. And it hurt. I could see that I had split my knuckles wide open and blood oozed out, covering my knuckles in a film of thick red gunk. A ear shattering scream shook the very air particles around me as I screamed my pain and loneliness out then I shut it up and held it inside, feeling a new storm building, a storm inside me. I knew this would be my own undoing but at that moment I didn't care.
    The next morning the sky was gray and sad, just like me, but the storm had passed, the local doctor, Matthew Drake, came to check grandpa's corpse and take him to the place where dead people go. He says grandpa died of a heart attack.
     I felt numb and horrible, I kept wondering; "is this what a killer feels like after they take their very first victim?" And then I'd break down and cry because I had put too much in grandpas lap and too much stress on his happy heart, so much that it gave up on him!
     Everyone asked me if I was okay, I said yes every time just so they'd leave me alone, I wasn't some pity project they had to try and fix.
   They really believed me why I told them the biggest lie of my life, but then again they never cared to begin with since I was the mistake that shouldn't have happened.
      I grew tired of all them pretending to care.
I was responsible for killing the only one who loved me.
     A week flew by, I was sitting at grandpas favorite wooden table where over the years life had been carved into it and my emotions swirling around inside of me. I had one friend now Jeff, and as I sat there my invisible friend squeezed my hand so hard tears sprang into my green eyes but soon he tired of me and left me alone; at the mercy of my emotions.
     My family sat with me at grandpas old table. They all laughed and talked an smiled. As they walked through grandpas memories I could feel sadness creeping up my back like an old friend, stealing my breath.
     Sometimes I thought I could hear grandpa saying he "never should have burdened myself with her; she has killed me..."
    I yelled back every time "no! I didn't mean to! I loved you, and I always will!" I shouted until my voice was gone, until not even my whimpers could come out in sounds.
    I lost my voice a lot.
    My parents didn't notice most of the time and when they did they thought I'd lost what little brains I had to begin with.
    This was nothing new to me. I was the disappointment after all, the only child of my parents who didn't get close to people, save for my grandpa, I never let anyone close.
       That would require me to care -even a little inkling- about them and that was not something I did often, or could do, really.
     After all, love hurts.
     I had lost the only person in the world that I had loved and cared for with all my heart and soul. Even though I know he had loved me, too, my fear still reared its ugly head and I felt trapped in it, in me. I got up, my chair hitting the wall with a loud thud but I barely noticed.
    My family was calmly sitting there in silence, waiting for my next move. All the sudden it felt stuffy in there that I knew I had to go before I did something stupid like cry; to cry is to show weakness, offer your neck to a hungry lion, your death wish; your fault.
      As my family continued to wait and watch me in silence I whirled around and ran out the kitchen door, down the old wooden stairs that lead to the living room, and ran out the front door so fast I was flying a whirlwind of black clothes, pale skin and ebony hair flying out behind me like a banister.
    I flew into the night like a bird free of its cage but I still felt caged, only my skin was my cage now, trapping my huge soul in a tiny, 5'0" tall, rail thin frame with bright green eyes, ebony hair, and little fangs that poked out when I smiled for grandpa...
    I flew into the woods, the freezing night wind biting through my black tank top and boxers, my hair slapping my bared skin in a stinging rhythm that matched my break neck pace. My small bare feet were frozen numb but yet I could still feel the loving caress of Mother Nature's fresh soil on the souls of my feet.
    Suddenly two birds swooped close to me talents out stretched locked in a battle to the death and I tried to take a breath to scream but found no breath in my lungs. I felt the familiar weight of unease settle on my chest.
       I wanted to go to grandpa but I knew I needed to watch these birds, needed to see just how "free" animals really are, so I stood my ground, watching until the older bird struck out, and in slow motion I saw the younger one dodge an come up, slicing open the older birds gut open, I cried silently as the bird twirled gracelessly to the ground landing under the old white oak tree in the clearing grandpa made for me a long time ago, I cried to the moon, shouting sometimes.
     I never cried again. I will never love anyone the same way again.
     I now knew that loving someone so much hurts and losing them hurts a lot more than being stabbed in the heart and not being able to die, but killing those loved ones? No words. Animals do it everyday to survive but me? I had no excuse, I would never fully open myself up to anyone ever again. Never again would I allow myself such joy of being loved.
    I got up and began walking home as the sun came up, long slender fingers of light struck out across the vast sky  in varying shades of red, orange, and pink. In the suns light stretching across the sky, so full of limitless opportunities it was overflowing.
    I walked home with the knowledge that nothing ever lasts forever.