Undercover

June 25, 2010 is the day is the day I lost my life. I've been bound to this hospital bed for 3 months now, the nurses have to feed me through a tube, and change my catheter every few hours, I can't move, and I can't tell my mother how thankful I am for her being by my side every day. The day I was shot I died and came back to life, if that's what you want to call it, I'm lying in this hospital bed on life support, only to hear people coming in and out, I wish I could go back and change how I lived my life before all of this happened. Every day I listen to my mother hold on to hope, I hear her open the bible and pray for me every morning when she arrives, every evening when they bring me lunch, and every night before she leaves. No matter what I did my mom was by my side, and now she's hurting that here little boy is lying in a bed damn near dead, and it hurts because it's my fault.

Growing up I always knew I was talented, I kept my head held hide with pride, and I had it all. I could sing, dance, rhyme, and everybody loved me, well everyone except Jaquan Jacobs. Jaquan hated me because my mom made sure I had the nicest things, he came from a low income family so he got teased a lot. I didn't condone the teasing, but I also couldn't stop it, he hated me because everyone loved me. January 15, 1982 our school had a talent show, we were in the 7th grade, I sang and danced of course and Jaquan and his best friend Raymond did a dance routine, when it came to a winner it was between the three of us. I stood up there nervous as ever, I couldn't lose to nobodies, they finally announced that I was the winner and I was sure to rub it in their faces. When school is over and everyone was walking home Jaquan came behind me and pushed me, I fell on my face. I'd never been in a fight before so I didn't know what to do I can say he really kicked my ass, and I went home to my mom crying. When I got there she asked me what happened, after that she sent me to kick boxing classes I was happy about this because now I had more things to throw in Jaquan's face about what I could do, and the next time he decided to lay a finger on me I could kick his ass. My mom always tried to put me in manly sports because she felt I was to feminine, but I couldn't change myself because I loved the skin I was in. I loved who I was but I knew I had to hide it from everyone else or they would judge me.

12th grade year my mom lost her job and we fell on hard times, I finally knew how Jaquan felt all those years. My mom losing her job actually made Jaquan and I really close, he didn't judge me, like we judged him in the past, he helped me deal with it. Part of him showing me how to deal with it was showing me "how to be a man and take care of my momma." He told me he went to the streets when he got tired of all of us teasing him, I always though his mom got a better job and started buying him things, I thought wrong. Jaquan was running the streets to help him mom make ends meet, and now he was teaching me to do the same. He didn't know who his dad was, and my dad left me and my mind behind because "I was too much of a female to be his son." One night Jaquan and I stayed out late to make extra money and some guys tried to rob us, I'm not going to lie I was scared for my life. Jaquan pulled out his gun quicker than the guy with the gun to my head could pull the trigger and shot him in the foot, we took off running, he said for us not to split up. He ran and I followed behind him, we ran all the way to his house, his mom wasn't home she was at the strip club dancing that night. "Thanks for saving my ass bro" I say trying to sound hard, "No problem he says", without thinking I leaned in a kissed him on the lips. "What's wrong with you nigga I'm not gay" Jaquan yells, "Me either my bad I don't know where that came from" I say back, "I'm going to head home not". He stops me, it's not safe out there tonight call your mom and tell her you staying over tonight. I couldn't believe it, he didn't kick me out, and he just shook it off that fast? Maybe this was a thing but he was too afraid to come out about it, I wasn't going to push him though. He walked in his room to head to bed and I fall asleep on the couch. That night while I was asleep I was lusting for him, in my dream we were doing things that was supposed to happen between and man and woman, not man and man. My whole life I knew I was different, but I couldn't put a finger on what made me different from the other guys; but tonight it was confirmed I loved men.