Dear,
I'm writing this because I've decided to pour my feelings out now, instead of letting them build tension in the bottle. I wanna say I haven't spewed disphamism on your name since we are no longer. I want to tell you how much it hurts that you have on my behalf, and I want to confess to you that it's partially because I still care about your well-being. I care for your health as much as I did when only my eyes knew you, and am saddened by your turmoil. I'm troubled, I admit, by the situation I unraveled upon us, but I am not regretful. You see, I don't regret anything I've ever done. Because I do what I think is best, I do not punish myself for the outcome although I do take responsibility. I wish you knew how much I allowed myself to love you and willed to be loved by you. I wish you knew of my aspirations for a future to our relationship. I believed in us almost foolishly. I yearned for us and I hoped for us. I had faith in us and I had plans labeled a, b, and c all the way through z 100 times around. I had plans A2, A3, and A4 all the way through Z100 for us. I knew of nothing else- I cared for nothing else because I believed in the love I felt so vastly. I planned for only us, my love for you. I know I was not a perfect girlfriend, I made mistakes, not one of which I did not attempt to right, not one of which I intended to hurt you. When you were troubled I wracked my brain for ways to cheer you up, let you know I was there for you, do what you needed, BE what you needed... I turned the world upside down to find your smile. And slowly, I lost my own, I lost my happiness because I made myself believe you had become it, when I'm reality I just didn't care to find it. Nights got longer when you were upset with me or I with you and I couldn't find a solution to whatever the problem was. My tears slowly became more and more, and my wrists, once again, seemed of no concern to you. You were too far gone to look back and see me sprinting, barefoot, after you anymore. I sped after you through everything, non-stop. I'm sorry I fainted when you finally turned back for me. I'm sorry my final cry was the only one you heard. And now, though I do not wish to cross paths with you, I wish you knew how my soul aches for what we lost, for what I had no strength to fight for. I wish you knew how much it has wrecked me to cut myself free from you, and at the same time, how much it has forced me to rebuild my character. I am selfish, I am strong, I am arrogant and proud of being alive. I am proud to have been strong enough to admit to my weakness and not succumb to the futil attempts to resuscitate a relationship that was beyond saving. I am all these things, however, because I do not believe in being loved. I do not believe in doing what I did with you because I know that no matter how much I give of myself and everything I have the power to fight to give, it will never be enough to make someone love me the way I love them. I know that if I allow myself to love freely, there is only hurt and perhaps hate in return. It is my opinion that the love we sometimes shared was not worth the pain of having to realize the difference of affection. I get flashbacks to those times when we laughed so hard we ended up breathless, the times I smiled at the texts you sent me and thinking to myself, "I love this guy, God, I love him. Thank you." and being so grateful to Jesus for putting you in my life to remind me that I could be loved. It's just hurtful, now, to think of those times because I can't help but be reminded of the way things happened... Of what you did and of my inability to contain any of it. Anyway, I want you to know I love someone else now, and I thank you for teaching me that I shouldn't. For teaching me to be careful not to, to hold back and think a million times before allowing myself to imagine being happy, or getting close to anyone. Even as I write this, my chest heaves in fear of ever being so open, of ever believing again that anyone could understand AND love, and I mean REALLY understand me, let alone be patient with me and all my little quirks. I understand, finally, the impossibility of it all, and how ridiculous it is for me to believe someone when they say otherwise. I understand. And that, I owe to you.
Love always,
Nobody.
