4 Years.

4 Years: The Beginning.

I'm Emma. I know that's the most cheesy way to start a story; but I've never been good with words, so I guess that's good enough. To start this out right, I'll tell you a few facts about myself. First of all, I am 5'6", I have blonde, curly hair and eyes like the ocean. I couldn't consider myself skinny, but I'm not over weight either. I grew up in "small town USA". My dad left my mom and I when I was around 3 years old. I've never seen him since then, so I don't really know him. Mom has a boyfriend, and he's been around for about 8 years. He's a decent fellow. He treats my mom good, and he treats me well also. I have a boyfriend, his name is Mark, and I met him in 8th grade. Well, technically we met in 4th grade when I moved into town, but we never TALKED until 8th. We are both Seniors in high school. He's 18, and I am 17. We've been together since September 23rd of 2012.

When we got together, it was the most awkward thing that has ever happened to me. It went a little like this..

Mark: Hey Emma. I wrote a song for you.

Mark then sung the song in front of the whole school, and at the end he asked me out.

I've always been shy and an introvert so when he finished, I totally froze. All I could get out was "Ssssure"

Then we had my mom take us to get tacos.

(such a love story huh?)

Ever since then, we get tacos on our monthiversary's.

I've always had a troubled past with males, which started with my dad. Him leaving never really made me feel safe with a man. He was the first man to hurt me, and that sucked, but I work through it. Mark gets so annoyed with me sometimes. He says I have "too many" boundaries set. I think that is absolutely ridiculous. There is no such thing as "too many" boundaries. Boundaries are set so that you as a human being can be as comfortable as possible. Sorry I'm too careful. I am constantly battling with my inner demons.

I guess to go more into detail as to why I have issues trusting males, I will tell you one of my most troubling stories. When I was 12, I was having a sleep over at a friends house when her (V) and one of our other friends (T) decided we were going to go to a party. I was nervous, but we all got dressed and we headed to the store. From there one of Vs friends picked us up and brought us to his house. Automatically I was scared. There were only us 4 and one other male. I never quite caught their names, which really would have helped me later on. Anyway. The guy who picked us up started rolling a blunt, and the other guy was pouring drinks. Just so you know, you should never drink out of a bottle that you didn't see get opened. The first sip tasted funny, so I stopped drinking. All 4 of them started calling me a pussy for not drinking or smoking. This is the time I should have left. I should have got up and walked out; but I didn't. So I drank and I smoked. The rest of the story is patchy. I can't tell you much because I got drugged. I remember bits and pieces. I remember the guy who was pouring getting on top of me and taking my skirt off. I remember crying. I remember saying no. I remember him invading my personal space and him totally fucking up my sanity. With every thrust I could feel my sense of self escaping from my body and flowing into the atmosphere. My forbidden boundaries were violated. This man took all of my pride and threw it away just for fun. I will never forget the day when I was brutally mutilated emotionally and deprived of respect. My body has never been the same since then, and I cannot allow people to touch me as I used to. I have to sit with my back to a wall to feel the slightest bit safe in public.

I have never loved anyone more than I love Mark. The amount of work and love and respect he puts into this relationship is unreal. I have slowly been working toward letting him show me affection, and through all 4 years of us, we have never slept together. He is so patient with me, but it makes me afraid of him leaving. What if he gets tired of me? I know I cannot stop the inevitable. So whatever happens, happens I suppose.