We

Chapter 1 - We both knew

- Hi, honey, oh now, look how much snow there is on you. Here you go, let me brush it off you. There you go. How are you doing? It is getting colder nowadays. Me? Well, I am, what do I say. I am ok. The days fly by like the always have. 

I will sit down. Let us see if I can get up later. I brought some coffee and some treats for us. Here is a cup for you. There you go. Do not spill it, cause I forgot to bring any napkins. 

How nice that I get to visit you here. You know how it is when you get old. You sit so much alone, and it is not easy to get out, especially with all this snow we are getting. The ice is so slippery, and for us older people, we have to be very careful so that we do not fall, cause I certainly do not want to break a leg or something. Oh. Janet did that. Do you remember Janet? The one we played Golf with. The one who married the man with all the money? He died a few weeks ago, but that is what she wanted when she married him, all the money, I mean. Oh well, some people have it easy. 

Oh, you know what I've got? A Ipad! It  of those technological things that John always carries around. It's one of the greatest things I have ever seen. You see there's sort of a flat rectangle with a screen. And so one can touch the screen and then things happen. Is not it incredible? The grandchildren put a game where I could be a farmer, so now I've got fulfilled the dream of being farm girl. And then I can read the newspaper on it too. Wonderful stuff, these new technological gadgets.

Has Marie been here lately? She has surely. She brought the little one, maybe. And what about John? He has so much to do at work, he got promoted, but maybe I told you that? You forget things on your old days. But you know everything about that. You know Marie's kids have really grown up. Alice has begun with German at school. She asked me if I could help her, but I've forgotten most of what I learned at school. You should have been there, your german was aways so good.

You know what I found? I found that picture of us on the cruise ship, what you were looking for when Mari was visiting that time. Do you know where it was? It was in the one of the white bags that you wanted to throw away. I have not thrown them out yet, so one day I opened them and there were so many pictures from when we were young. It was so nice to see them again. When I look at those pictures, I think of the time when we were young, when we didn't have a care in the world. When you and I met for the first time. You remember that? Of course you do. 

I remember the first time I saw you. You were on the dance floor with another girl. You were so handsome. A soldier even. In uniform. All the girls looked at you. But you looked at me. Everything went so fast at the time. Now people drag out the relationship before getting married. They stay a couple for a few years, then they move in together, and then maybe get married to have children, or maybe have children and then get married.

Remember the first time you met my dad? He wanted me to marry a rich man. One who was a businessman or as a politician. But you were none of the things that Dad wanted. You we not rich, living on a soldiers pay, and you were not a politician or businessman. Think of what we did, think that we got married even though dad was against it. How crazy and in love we were then.

The kids want me to move out of the house. They want me to move to a retirement home. Can you picture that? Me? In a retirement home? Sit there playing bingo all day while I wait for death. Be there while the body and the soul crumbles. Not chance in hell. I will die in our house. Sooner or later.

It's fairly quiet at home. And the house is big you know, there are so many rooms to be cleaned, and so much snow that I have to shovel. Without you there is something missing. No, I must not think like that, but you understand that when you do not have someone to talk to, then things become like this. You sit alone, thinking of life, your children and grandchildren. Think that our children have done so well. They do not need us anymore.

When was it that Marie visited me last? It was well for a couple of days ago, no, she was supposed to come on Thursday, but then she suddenly got a lot to do at work so she could not come anyway. But they are so busy, our children. As a teacher and mother of three has the Marie so much to do. She runs around between lessons, talks with students and parents, football practice, so it's no wonder she does not have time for her old mother.

John, yes, he works a lot. He has less time than Marie, he has got himself a new wife and he takes care of her family as well as his own. I do not like his new wife too much. She's so stuffy with everything. Only buys the most expensive products, but John earns good money, but still. Maybe I will find me someone to live life with. Someone I can talk to, who I can go on walks with, I could travel with. What a stupid idea. Really. Why should an old lady to get married at this age. Who would stay with an old woman like me? I am really silly sometimes. 

I miss you. I still have your perfume in the bathroom, it's like you are there still. When I sit at home in my chair, I wait for you to come in with firewood in your hands, so we can light the fireplace and enjoy ourselves, but it never happens. But we both knew it though. One had to be left alone. One of us had to live the end of our life alone. Maybe it would be you, or perhaps it would be me? We had no choice. Actually, I'm glad that it's me, because I do not know how you would have dealt with the loneliness. But what is the point, sitting here alone? I have no one to talk to. No one to live life with. Perhaps it is best to just end the whole thing. Do not you think so? That it would be easier for everyone if I was not here anymore. Then the kids did not have to worry about whether I am sitting alone or not. They could go on with their life. Maybe you should just stop it all? What's the point of living in a world that one does not like, in a world where you do not have someone who cares. 

What terrible thoughts. Think that it's here I've come in life. An old lady who lives an aimless and meaningless life. Without a proper direction in life. What's the point of waiting for death? Can not greet death like an old friend coming a little too early? Or is it maybe too late to do anything other than live the life you've got?