Forgive me

A Different Form But Still Home

I stirred awake and immediately still felt tired. My eyes watered and I yawned making my whole body stretch. I felt like I only got 4 hours of sleep...which I did. I looked at the clock on the night stand. 5:27 a.m. "Alright..." I sighed to myself and closed my eyes again. I tried falling back asleep but I felt too uncomfortable so I moved around a little bit but to no avail. "Ugh! Whatever, I'm sure if I stay still and lay here for a while I'll just fall asleep again." I thought to myself and laid face up with my hands on my stomach and I closed my eyes once more.

*dream*
"It hurts."
"Burns"
I opened my eyes again to the voice but everything was dark. I wasn't even laying in the bed anymore. "Who's there?...W-Where am I?" I asked meekly wondering if I really wanted a response.
"It hurts so much..." the unknown voice started weeping and when I thought about it, the unknown voice became known. My heart pounded faster against my ribs. "I-Ikuto?" I called out to my brother. I looked around the dark abyss but there was no sign of anything. "Ikuto I'm here! I'm here! Where are you?!" I called out with my hands cupped around my mouth. I frantically tried to search through the darkness but when I went to lift my foot I found it would not move. I gripped around my knee trying to see if I could pick up my leg and make it move manually but I was bound to this spot.
Suddenly I spotted a figure a little ways from where I was. It was completely dark yet I could see this figure as if it were broad daylight. I could recognize that figure anywhere. The form was tall and muscular with broad shoulders. "Ikuto!" I shouted to get his attention. He turned around and his piercing blue eyes met my own. His blue eyes were always lighter than mine like the sky on a clear day with no clouds...unlike mine that were oceanic and almost sapphire. He held a soft look but his features always made him seem like he was in thought. I guess we both kind of picked up on that. He had strong masculine eyebrows that always made him look intimidating but when he smiled it was warm and genuine making it look like he couldn't hurt a fly.

My eyes started to water now. It's been 2 years since his death. 2 years since I've seen him but looked at him now it feels like I just saw him yesterday. A wave of memories washed over me in a drowning feeling begun to build up as the lump in my throat formed. "God, I miss you so much." I covered my face to cry in my hands. Ikuto stopped a little ways in front of me. Almost in arms length. "I've missed you too." He speaks with a shaky voice. "It hurt so bad...I didn't know what was happening to me...I was actually really scared." He spoke and I cried harder. "Did it hurt for long?..." I muttered out and choked between cries. I didn't want him suffering. "No not quite...I mean it felt like an electric jolt piercing my heart with a knife and it felt like a long time but when I think about it...it was really maybe only 7 seconds." He explained. I crumbled to the dark floor on my hands and knees, I felt like I need to through up. "Hey, I'm fine now, really I am." He says and I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see that he's kneeling right in front of me now. "Everything is alright, I'm not in pain anymore and I know you miss me but you're in good hands...I see the way that boy looks at you." He smirks and I find it in me to glare at him. Everything felt so real...I knew if Ikuto were really alive he'd be teasing me all the time about L and myself. Parted me knew I was having this dream because of my unconscious thoughts. Deep down I really did love L and I never stopped and of course I missed my brother like crazy, there isn't a day I would give just to call him and have him pick up on the other end.
"You're stubborn...always have been." He ruffles my hair. I began to sob again. "Come here...you're alright, I promise you." He said as he gathered me into a tight embrace and stroked the back of my hair consolingly. I clung to him for what seemed like forever. "I'm sorry...I have to go now...mom and dad are waiting for me...you wouldn't believe how proud they are of you...of both of us." He pulls back and holds me by the shoulders. "No...please don't go, can't do this alone anymore." I say trying to cling to him again as he stands. "You're not alone...you're never alone okay? I'll see you again." He reassures me. "No don't go!" I yell. He light touches the top of my head. "Give that boy a chance...give yourself a chance but when you're ready." He says and turns to walk away. "Ikuto!" I yell louder now and really to run after him but I'm still bound to this spot. "I love you Y/n." He says sorrowfully. It's easy to tell that he doesn't want to leave either but he has to and he will. As he walks away his image starts to fade and my whole body feels numb, my mind races with different thoughts all at once melting into each other, not making any sense at all. Sudden there's a sharp pain in my heart and I release a scream. It hurts....it burns.
The ground slips from under me and I can fell myself falling.

I jolt awake gripping my chest were my heart is. I woke up and sat up so fast I fell to the wooden floor throwing some pillows down with me. A broken glass cup is shattered next to me with a pool of water from me bumping the night stand and knocking it off. I can feel myself hyperventilate and became to panic as I'm already crying. I shakily try to stand and walk to the bathroom using the bed for help but my legs feel like they're going to give out. At this point I'm crying so hard my vision has gone blurry. I feel arms grip my shoulders and spin me around and pull me into a tight embrace. "I'm here, sssshhh I'm here, you're alright, ssshh, I'm here now everything is alright, I promise." L's soothing voice cooed gently in my ear as he held onto me. My arms were trapped between my chest and his but I gripped his shirt in my hands and buried my head. I could feel his heart pounding with adrenaline. I probably scared the hell of out him. Before I knew it we were on the floor with his back leaned up against my bed and my back against his chest sitting curled up in between his legs. His legs formed around me as his arms held me close like a shelter. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head continuing to coo soothing things until eventually my hard frantic crying turned into a light hiccuping sob. "Would you like feel comfortable in telling me what has bothered you so greatly? Perhaps I could be of help?" He spoke lightly and quietly. "I had a dream or...maybe a nightmare about my brother...it was good talking with him but then when he started to leave I felt a pain in my heart...it was more the grief and sorrow it was pain like a heart attack." I explained through sobs. L was quiet but then again I didn't expect him to say anything about it. "Well...you're brother will always be with you. Nothing is ever going to change that, although he may not be here physical, it is apparent he still loves and cares for you...although it doesn't explain the feeling of a heart attack I suppose that just came from the subconscious part of your mind due to grief and mourning. You knew he past of a heart attack and perhaps that is why you felt that pain always when you had to leave him." L explained. I nodded considering that was the same thought I had. The room fell quiet again. "I don't want to lose you again..." I blurted out. I meant to say it in my head but I'm also glad L heard it. His arms tightened around me. "I know I've been an idiot and there's no excuse for that...I've never wanted to take back my actions and choice as much as the ones I made that day...but I swear that you're never going to lose me again." He replied and I felt relieved. I knew part of me was scared of letting him back it because I didn't want to lose him...and the other part was still mad at him I swear I could choke him. L gave a small chuckle that made his chest vibrate against my back. "What?" I asked confused wondering what could be funny at a time like this. "You would amuse by know that I showed up on your door step uninvited...I live at your house without permission...and everyday I try harder than I ever had to compared to any tedious task force effort just to try and get you to smile or something. I am definitely %110 certain that you are never going to lose me." He said and I could tell there was a face on his face without even looking at him. I managed to chuckle back. "Oh that's right you are living here without permission, remind me to kick you out in the morning." I joked. "How rude and impolite, that's not like you at all...I call you bluff sweetheart." He stated with confidence. "Besides the matter, even if you were to throw me out I'd pitch a tent in your front yard...as I've said before I'm not leaving you." L stated in a serious tone now. "You're like the Black Plague." I tease again. "Hmm...I never really thought about it like that but I suppose that is a good expression." He chuckled and kissed the top of my head again.