Loud Distorted Screaming

introduction.

I'm not going to use big words or describe with award-winning imagery here, I'm going to say what happens in my mind as it happens to try to sort out this mess that is my life.

I'm a horrible person. People may disagree, hell, you might disagree but it's true. I suck at being a human.

I feel like there needs to be a semicolon somewhere in there, but I'm not sure where.

And I'm typing this without being able to see the screen so hopefully this is right.

Like, on October 26th she showed up and turned all my shit upside-down. I talked to her and we hit it off pretty well, Was it a good thing, though? I mean, all the shit in my head goes back to being in love with her. For the most part.

I don't know what did this to me, or why the infinite mother universe chose me of all people but, destiny probably said it had to happen. There had to be one little gay trans kid in Rutherford County that parents hated them as they hated themselves. But why me?

If I had never met Autumn, would things be the same? If my mom made me to go TJ like she wanted to, would I be in this state? Probably not, as Autumn has knocked so much sense into me and if I went to Thomas Jefferson I wouldn't have dated Brooke and I wouldn't be sad all the time now. I also wouldn't have met Jada and been happy with her like I am now.

Jada. People think she's mean, and a bad influence but honestly, she's not. Even Taylan, who's like her best friend thinks this. But Jada probably doesn't show her inner thoughts and actions with other people besides me because they wouldn't understand. Its hard for a sad person to be close with really happy people without lying.

But I know Jada, although I only met her in 2014. We became fast friends and I know if we break up we can still be friends because we have a year and a half's worth of experience with being just friends. I'll admit, sometimes she gets on my nerves and I say I hate her but I don't. I can't hate Jada. She's one of my best friends and I trust her too much to hate her.

I'm scared, overall. I'm constantly worried that things are gonna go wrong or not as I planned and everything's gonna be ruined. Like, I get my hopes up too high too much and it ruins my expectations of the real world vs. my head.

Not that my head is a good place to be, but...