Outer Space / Carry On | Michael Clifford AU

21.

We lingered around the bakery for a long time.

Michael didn't make a lot of eye contact when I told him about Mum. I was grateful for that. It was hard enough to get the words out into the world without his eyes staring right through to my soul.

In the worst parts, he looked down at his school tie, flipping the end between his fingers. When he told me how sorry he was, I could tell he really meant it.

When the air between us was too sad and heavy, I got up to order another jam donut and another pot of tea. Michael's face grimaced every time he took a sip which made me smile into my teacup. Our happy equilibrium had been restored. Even though, in the pit of my stomach, guilt twisted like a knife.

I thought telling Michael about Mum might somehow restore my world. Paste it back together. But it was still there in pieces, and I was out of ideas on how to put it back together. I didn't know how to inhabit all of the pieces at once. When I was in this world, I felt happy. But the happiness was dulled down and darkened by guilt.

When I immersed myself in the pieces that Mum had touched, the guilt melted away like an ice-cream left in the sun. But then I felt so disconnected from the rest of it. From Dad and Joan, and Michael, the Lonely Hearts Club. Myself, even. You can live in a sea of memories. You'll end up drowning.

"You're pretty when you frown."

I looked up at Michael. "Me?"

Michael winked. "Nah, the black cat behind you."

I turned around to see the small porcelain kitten stretched out on the floor like it was basking in the sun. In the reflection of the light, it looked more midnight blue than black. I turned back to Michael.

"How come you still have blue hair?"

"Ah, because I want to have blue hair."

"Why hasn't the school made you get rid of it?" There was nothing private schools loved more than conformity.

"Guess they think that even snobby rich schools need the token rebel-with-blue-hair." He said it was a serious frown. For all the times I complimented him in my head, I realised those words never found their voice.

"You're pretty when you frown."

Michael didn't miss a beat. "That porcelain cat is going to develop an ego problem if we keep telling her she's pretty."

Outside the pastel sky grew deeper and richer as the sun set. The quirky bakery would be shutting soon, the porcelain cats around us making shadows in the moonlight until morning came.

I wanted to collect the fleeting minutes and put them in my pocket for later.  Minutes, even hours, move so quickly when they're occupied by good feelings. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't they linger the way time does when your heart is breaking?

"I think they're closing soon." Michael's voice sounded as regretful as I felt.

"Yeah..." I had a brief window to decide if I wanted to invite Michael back to my house. Pros: more time with Michael. Pros: high chance of more kissing. Cons: high chance of awkward small-talk with Joan and/or Dad.

Sorry pros, but the cons would win this round. Having Michael over as one of Dad's clients sons was so different to having him over as my friend-slash-something. I wasn't ready to face all of that just yet.

"Any chance of you sneaking out tonight?" Michael's fingers were on his tie again.

"Yeah," I said, a smile making my voice brighter this time. "I think there is a pretty good chance."

-

Dad and his big stern voice were waiting for me when I got home. "You were supposed to see Charlie this afternoon."

Over on the lounge, Joan was feeding Jagger and looking equally concerned and sympathetic.

I didn't even have to lie. I'd forgotten. Genuinely forgotten. "I'm so sorry, Dad. I went to the quirky bakery after school and forgot all about it. Honestly."

"Seeing Charlie is a priority, Alice."

"I know, Dad."

Joan, the constant voice of reason, spoke up. "Honey, let's just re-schedule for tomorrow."

Her words bounced right off of Dad who was obviously too pissed off to hear them. His big eyebrows weighed down over his eyes. "If I can't trust you to make it to your appointments, how do you expect us to trust you with a car?"

"Then don't buy me a car!"

"Fine! Then I won't!" Dad was yelling now. Really yelling.

"Good! I didn't ask for one anyway!"

"Then it's settled! No car! While we're at it, no tv! No internet! No phone either!"

"You're seriously going to take away tv and internet and phone privileges from me? What am I, twelve?" To be fair, I sounded twelve. So did Dad.

"You're certainly acting like a child!"

Jagger started crying which seemed to shock me and Dad out of our yelling match. I looked down at my feet, feeling bad for waking the baby up. Joan carried the Jagger out of the lounge-room, giving Dad a death stare on her way past us. This seemed to knock some sense into him. He exhaled deeply. I did too. There was a silent agreement. An invisible white flag. We were both surrendering the need to be right. I started the conversation again.

"I honestly forgot, Dad. I'll even call tomorrow and reschedule the appointment myself."

Dad nodded. "Maybe you need to start putting reminders in your phone."

"Maybe I do." We both knew I wouldn't. I was on my way to my room when Dad called out my name.

"And next time you go to the quirky bakery after school? Please bring home some croissants for your old man." He grinned a real Dad grin. I gave him my best Alice grin. Just like that everything was okay again.

-

I snuck out after midnight to meet Michael. He was waiting on the corner, a shadow of black with his hair covered by a hood.

"You know, I've been thinking. I really need a superhero name if I'm going to keep coming on these chalk walks with you."

Michael looked down at me as we started walking. "Who said you were getting a promotion from sidekick to superhero?"

"I did," I said defiantly. "The world is too big for you to save all on your own."

"Okay. You get a superhero name but first..." He placed his hands on my hips, swivelling my body so it was directly in front of his. Then he kissed me. And my hands found their way from my sides to his hair, and his hands settled on my cheeks.

Above us, I imagined the stars mapping out our story like a constellation in the sky. And then I kissed him again.