‘Act My Age:’ A song about reverting to less mature and wise ideals does not necessarily mean you’re going to also crack out dirty jokes. It does mean you will sing along with your friends in bars, because this is a perfect BFF drinking song. You can almost hear the pints of ale clinking in the background.
‘Don’t Forget Where You Belong:’ Proof that these are still very much good, clean-cut boys-next-door, who just happen to be pop stars who attract both legions of screaming fans and writers with nothing better to do than crank out weak jokes about their discography. But not dirty.
‘Once In A Lifetime:’ It’s not a very strong song, but it’s sweet. Every once in a while, you fall in love, and you feel special and safe and loved. That’s all. There’s no punchline here, really.
‘I Want:’ I mean, they have a point here. Materialism isn’t a cute look. Not sexual, utterly practical advice.
‘Same Mistakes:’ Again, not sexual yet, but if a relationship is this broken, just do what Elsa advises and let it go. This sounds like irreparable heartbreak, honestly, and life’s too short to fix something so broken.
‘Half A Heart:’ Honestly, I cannot crack on this song because I love it endlessly and I would sob if I found out a guy thought about me when he listened to this song. It’s One Direction’s most Adele-worthy performance. Five stars. My heart can’t handle it.
‘Fool’s Gold:’ I mean, when the boys want to break a heart, they know how to break a heart. This is sad, but not sexual. We are still very much in the “least” end of the spectrum.
‘Diana:’ I’ve never been able to parse if this song actually exists in a parallel universe where the late Princess of Wales was still alive, but it’s sweet. Maybe it’s a ‘Candle in the Wind’-type situation, or maybe I’m reading to much into the Britishness of it all. In any case, it’s more about treating a girl right than anything else, and treating a girl right doesn’t have to be sexual at all (contrary to what pick up artists the Internet over believe).
‘Stole My Heart:’ I’m sure there is something bordering an innuendo in this song, but if there is, I can’t find it. I’m sorry. The heavy Ibiza-ready beat distracted me. This is the most Euro song ever, and that’s kind of what makes it great. (Great in an awful, horrible, worst-song-on-their-roster kind of way, but still great.)
'Clouds:’ Their one “I just got out of a breakup, so I’m going to live it up with my friends!” song, this is empowering, if a little confusing. But hey, moving on from a breakup feels different to everyone, so maybe they really are on clouds.
‘Girl Almighty:’ In some alternate universe, they bring a bar to ovation with a rousing rendition of this song performed while standing on tabletops, but other than just being really congratulatory to girls (yay, girls! way to be girls!) there’s not much that’s objectively bad here. It’s just a fun drinking song, is all.
‘Through The Dark:’ Because everyone needs a love song that is essentially a repackaging of “when you saw only one pair of footprints, know it is I who…” (Also, because the Deathcab For Cutie song got quoted one too many times in my day and this is now its pop replacement.)
‘Loved You First:’ In retrospect, we really shouldn’t have been surprised by the spectacular crash-and-burn romance that was Haylor, because this song is essentially ‘You Belong With Me’ from the guy’s perspective. (Harry, for the record, would totally be on the bleachers. Zayn’s probably cheer captain.)
‘Tell Me A Lie:’ Easily the most uptempo heartbreak song ever, this is deceptively catchy. “Break up with me for every reason but the truth!” they proclaim. “Say it’s not you, it’s me! Feed me lines! Spare my ego!” It’s very bleak. But then again, young love is very bleak. We all go through it. It’s bleak.
