Playing the Taleban at Cricket

I don't usually read the sports pages in the newspapers, but I sometimes have a quick scan of the cricket section so I can blag my way through a conversation with Sunny on his favourite topic. Second favourite, after the precarious state of Lou's and my finances.

I read that, intriguingly, the Taleban had opened a Q&A section on its website endorsing cricket as a game that upholds Islamic values. I also discovered that not only does Afghanistan have a national cricket team, but the side has sufficient prowess to have reached the World Cup Twenty20 finals. That struck me as odd.

'Hey, Sunny, are the Afghans any good at cricket?'

'Oh, yes.'

'So it's true that they've made it into the Twenty20 World Cup?'

'Yep.'

'So it's not an April Fool gag?'

'No, they aren't bad at all.'

'Bloody hell.' I pondered this. 'How does that work? They can't even get a national government together, let alone agree on something as arcane as cricket.'

'It's a great leveller.'

'Certainly was for me at school, but the problem was the level I achieved, which was the bottom. But at least when I was out first ball all I had to face was the Walk of Shame and being given a hard time in the pavilion. Out there I'd have been stoned to death with cricket balls.

'And just imagine being a groundsman. ''I say old boy,  it needs a heavy roller in the outfield.'' Off you troll, and there's a big bang as the IED goes off. I'd want an armoured Humvee for that job. Not to mention the consequences of inadvertently mowing down this year's opium poppy crop. You can probably have a hand cut off for that.'

'Cricket is a civilising influence,' smiled Sunny, but I was on a roll.

'Imagine being team captain and placing players in the field. Put the wrong guy at silly mid on and you spark a tribal conflict. Pick the wrong guy to open the batting and there's the start of a blood feud that will span centuries.'

Sunny smiled again.

'And I wouldn't want the job of umpire either. One poor decision on a leg before wicket and there's going to be a hail of sniper fire from the surrounding hills. Afghani umpires must need flak jackets. Bugger me. Bowling can't be much fun either when you have to avoid landmines on your run up and face the prospect of your team mates hacking you to death for a no ball.'

'As I say, cricket is a civilising influence.'

'But how on earth did it catch on? It's British for goodness sake, and Brits are not Top of the Tribal Pops in Afghanistan since we got stuffed whenever it was we tried to colonise the place. The French got whipped too, but guillotining didn't grip the Afghan nation's imagination. That's a bit surprising when you think about it. The Russians? Wearing two left boots isn't something any right minded person is going to accept as a fashion statement, and they aren't a populace known for their dress sense. Cricket? Cricket is just way out there where the air is thin.'

Sunny smiled that irritating bloody smile of his. I could smack him sometimes if it weren't for the fact I really like him.