$UICIDE AND DEPRESSION

INTRO : in due time

You don't want this life, trust me I contemplate suicide. And the car that I fly off the cliff can only fit two inside, I'm in the passenger seat, and I let my ego drive, but who am I. Feeling unfit to live and qualified to die. They told read between the lines but hate is written in the sky. I tried to cry but I ran out of tears so really spare the lies. They whisper thoughts to open ears, I live my life without a fear. Who can judge when I won't bulge. But I see happiness as a drug. So tell me when I will be satisfied or else I'll pull the plug. Fill the tub and take a bath the toilet sits a dozen drugs. A Shot glass of bleach ready to end it all. The phone ring I didn't get a call, I'm laying here silently if I die no one will take the fall. And judgement day I'll be sent to hell to find my way. I met the devil we took a picture I'll tag him in it right away. This not the time for that. Money, cars, and body parts I never put my mind on that. I don't rest my pain on things I know will never change. I took a L from lack of patient. Lock myself down in the basement. I'm taking pills like it's the matrix. God made you flawless and is it worth it. Don't pay for braces when your smile was always perfect. Is that self esteem that I don't have, maybe it came without a dad, stand outside I look around and try to make somebody glad. When my interior is inferior and the most important soul is sad, I can take my life and everybody else can pass. Just to fix this situation, heart filled with manipulation. Straight to the pawn shop I rent a glock. I'm home alone now. They left me alone. A loaded gun right on the table I could have been dead all along. But this time for me to end it all. I locked the basement no more time stall, the breaking point, there's no more living so what's the point. My spirit died so long ago I can't even be happy when I want. And now it's over. I grabbed the gun cocked it back turn up the TV. Nobody heard it but it happened nobody can see me. The suicide note read..... if you was here then I would have attention, nobody cares about me and that's the reason why we're all in this position. Make sure you're happy before you please somebody else or it would never make a difference. That's the note the family read 2 weeks after they noticed he went missing, barely effected and tears was shed his younger brother was the biggest victim. This for heaven angels who think they deserve to be in hell. I send more hope to every human. I pray that everyone prevail. Attention.

And the good die young, so who am I to follow. If my role model died from this .44 revolver. That's a hard one to swallow. My pain runs deep. Thinking about me going back to school, I'll be the strangest sight to see. And sorry for your lost will be the words that I dread. I been stressing over thinking, remembering words that he said. And when I seen him all stiff he had a hole in his head. Had my mind all backwards. Tell me is he really dead. Man this some BULLSHIT!! why did they take that gun for evidence... it had a full clip. I could have really finished the job, i could have laid right there. I want to see my brother now really this is not fair. But then again sometimes he acted like did not care. Putting me down, and pushing me around. But playing ball is different now when he's not around. Walking to the bus and looking up seeing somebody looking down. It's almost like I see him smiling now. I keep a good heart if he watching me or not. I just go into his room, take his sneakers out the box. Brand new Jordan retro 12s they were his favorite ones he'd coped. I had to put them down I almost covered them in tears and snot. He was the favorite child in the house when I plotted to take his spot. When all alone he was plotting on putting a bullet through his heart. DAMN I told my moms I would never be happy. You might as well kill me, I'd say I'm depressed if you asked me. Because all I know is I had a brother just last week. All I know is pain pills weren't on the toilet just last week. And all I know is my brother was answering his phone just last week. and he was in his room playing jcole just last week. Staying up all night face timing just last week. But after that ... it ain't no more last week. Couple days later a brain covering a table in the basement. I was sad for a minute and then It felt kinda outrageous. I took my mind off the thoughts being happy and it's outrageous.