The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

33 | Green Light

I like feeling the butterflies when Kristina comes around. I enjoy feeling amusement when the twins say something ridiculous. I enjoy feeling like I belong somewhere when I'm with Zoё and Bella. I enjoy feeling proud of myself when I help Ellie with her homework.

I just don't enjoy the added sadness and anger that comes with Tabitha.

I've come a long way from who I used to be and I'm proud of that. I no longer glare at every person I see in the hallway. I don't wish ill things upon everybody. I take my meds with less of a fight and struggle. But I still can't bring myself to like Tabitha.

And I'm afraid I won't ever be able to.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not a big fan of her either." A small voice spoke from my doorway. I lifted my head to Ellie leaning on my door frame and twirling a strand of her hair around her finger.

I sniffled and sat up. "Liar. She brings you candy and you love anybody who brings you candy." I reminded her, and she shook her head.

"I like chocolate. She likes to bring me Laffy Taffy and Skittles." Ellie clarified, and I rolled my eyes before lying back on my bed.

How many six-year olds do you know who are picky about what kind of candy they get?

"Maybe she'll go away like the other ladies." Ellie offered, but I just shook my head.

That wouldn't be any better because Cole is madly in love with her and it would break his heart, which would mean I would have to break her hand for hurting my brother. Which would also mean that I'd go to jail.

The consequences of them breaking up are so much greater than if they just stay together.

What if you just move out? I love my family. I love Ellie too, but she can come and visit. Cole is my family too. If he were really your family, would he be dating the woman you hate most? Don't say things like that. But I'm right, aren't I?

"Ellie go back downstairs. Aren't you guys supposed to be going out for dinner?" Translation: My capability to have a normal conversation has been terminated. Unless you would like to have a conversation with a rock, go away.

And even though Ellie is only six, she most likely heard the translation rather than what actually came out of my mouth. The sound of tiny footsteps began and then eventually faded away.

My eyes became trained on my ceiling, but my brain was too worn out to make constellations out of the marks on the ceiling, so I closed my eyes. But then I was too tired to trace the dots that appeared under my eyelids, so I just allowed myself to pass out.

Why didn't passing out solve all of my problems?

∆

The dining room was silent even though the table was full except for one chair. For some reason, Cole thought that having these family dinners with Tabitha was going to make everything better. Usually, Kris comes to these things, but her parents were off this week and she wanted to spend time with them.

At least one of us is a good daughter.

"Ellie I saw that you brought home some drawings today." No shit Sherlock. She's in the first grade, what do you think they do all day?

"Yeah! I drew a blue dinosaur, a fairy princess, and an orange butterfly of course." She answered enthusiastically but squeezed my hand underneath the table.

When Kris is here, she lets me use her hand as a stress ball because she knows that even just the sound of Tabitha's voice makes me want to jump off of a cliff. Since Kris isn't here today, Ellie offered to take the job, but I told her that I didn't want her to because I squeeze extremely hard. Ellie didn't care though, she still grabbed my hand. Even though I was too scared to squeeze her hand (feared that I would break her fingers off), I very much appreciated the gesture.