In the Reality of a Virtual Romance

The Tale

Who knew fairytales could come true?

I never did. Not once did I ever expect that I would have been caught in the romance of a fairytale. Then again, it was a fleeting moment of glee; of expectations meant to be met through convenience and convening. 

It began as a compliment, intended solely as is that turned into a flirtatious romance in the virtual realm. In the actuality of things, finding a kindred spirit - yours, in my country is about .0005% and the odds are usually against you. For some reason, in this virtual realm, I found it, the half of my soul. The other half that has been in constant search, yearning to be whole. I found him in sea of desperation, through reasons unknown to the human conception. And yet, we never met. Our romance kept only in the virtual stream of consciousness, compliments and comfort shared through  typewritten words - signified solely by an understanding that shook both of us to our core. 

It was never an awkward conversation with M. It was always like a stint of schizophrenia, talking to this person who reflected my innermost thoughts and behavior; like a mirror staring back at me through this bright monitor. 

"Baby" That's what I used and was reciprocated. I thought at first M was just pulling my leg, finding ways to relate to my stories; my inept experiences. I shared with M a glimpse of my being, through my written works, not really assuming anything beyond that but M was able to relate. M knew what I had gone through and even felt "connected" (in M's words) to me. I was shocked at this circumstance. Here's a stranger from this realm having a concept of relatability to a broken man who fought life and lost. M knew how to comfort me, in specifically chosen words that, as Saussure described to have been signified by a connotation only I would have known. Yet here is this person who shared the same intellect, a same love for words that I could not comprehend nor even match. 

I admired M for this capability. I admired M for the sincerity of his choice. I fell in love with M through the use of words, the romantic voice that echoes in my head; that timbers in longevity with every single subtle syllable. 

The accountant from this virtual fairy tale came to life. To be someone who stood at the same resonance with me. Albeit the days that gapped our conversations, I felt that M was someone I had to cherish, someone that has been cherished by my persona for a very long time. M was someone who didn't exist in a fairy tale created by my subconscious but a person who wanted the same outcome; who had the same perception I had about life. 

Our exchanges were never carnal. To be honest, I've never had that with someone else. M was very appropriate, decent and demure. I had started to liken M to what I used to be. To the innocence that I had lost through my heartbreaks and burnt bridges. I was M back then and M is I now. Of course, this may all be my imagination but rest assured, tis' not. Our relationship wasn't merely a farce nor a ruse. It was real. It felt real and yet in the reality of this lifetime, I never got to meet M for real. 

M shared that a relationship brewed between him and a friend. Of course for me, I had to stay platonic, to keep an open mind in neutrality but deep inside, I was jealous. Why couldn't M show himself to me? Why couldn't M give me a little bit of time? Things I can't afford to have because the relationship we shared stayed in the virtuality of things and nothing past that, nothing beyond the bezel of my monitor. 

I came into the picture as an obstruction to M's already rocky relationship. I became an object that fueled instances of envy, grief, pain and confusion. I was a variable that had an invisible meaning in an equation that had no limit, that was exponentially unsound. I wondered why M shared to me these things. I wondered why M stood at the verge of a choice between loyalty and friendship over the idea of finding the kindred soul.  

I always thought people yearned for this, that the myth the other is what gave us happiness. That human beings, made to be happy, will find happiness in the other that was lost a long time ago. And yet, here we crossed paths, finding the other and choosing not be together. Why must happiness be so painful? If love is a constant variable in the equation life, then why must it be so irrational to a point that it fades into non-existence?