The Grip of Eating Disorders

EDNOS/OSFED

I purge my binge.

I'm exhausted, so I stop.

It's 11:46 pm

Today could've been a good day, but I fucked up again.

I spent the whole day starving myself, only to ruin it right before the day was over.

It's been like this for a week, now.

I mentally calculate the calories in my binge, it takes no more than 2 minutes.

About 3,780 cals, and I couldn't even purge half of that..

Definitely a bigger number on the scale tomorrow. I sigh in shame and regret.

I've never been good at purging, so these binges are always the worst.

This eating disorder was hell.

I would go days without food, only to binge and gain all the weight back.

I'd exercise my ass off most days, and still no difference.

Other days I'd chew and spit up my food, but it would usually turn into a binge.

It's like this all the time, I have empty and full bottles of laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, tea pills, caffeine pills, and more stacked away in my closet. 

A clogged toilet, and bags full of vomit outside in my trash can.

Vitamins, fruits, veggies, water.

All of these things, and yet, I remain the same.

Never getting out of the 140's for more than a few days, or going over

This morning, the scale said 143.2, tomorrow it'll be 144.2

I've been through this so many times so I can just predict my weight before even getting on the scale.

I'm tired.

The worst part is, since I'm at a healthy weight for my height, 5'8, no one thinks anything is wrong.

Thought I can feel all the bad habits taking it's toll.

My mom goes to bed every night without any knowledge that 1 out of 5 of her little birdies is bent over a toilet, trying to puke up their mistake.

My lover goes to work every evening, and comes back 5 hours later not knowing the light of their life just exercised the whole time they were gone.

My best friends go to the mall thinking I declined, because i was sick, but really I was afraid of eating.

Only to binge hours later, hating myself.

I hate it, I hate this. I'm so sick.

I want help, but no one would take me seriously.

I climb into bed next to my unconscious, and blissfully ignorant lover.

I'm trapped in an endless cycle of pain.

I want to scream.

"Someone help me!"

What do I do?