Although I seem to appear to have a very strong image, in fact, I have many ideas and also many worries. I’m a bit feeble, that’s my style. “What can I do better?”, “what do I already do well?” I’m the type of person that worries for a long time once I start thinking like this. Recently, I’ve been trying to minimize the times when I’m like this, because I feel that by spending 1-2 months of my valuable youth thinking like this is extravagant behavior. I need to first believe myself, to think “this is me” rather than trying to be what’s right. Without the stiff thought of “myself”, I change myself to become how I think I should be.
In this world, not all greed is good-natured, but true greediness is “to make myself the person I want to become”. Although I’ve encountered bad experiences when I was young, but because of these experiences, I’ve found the “leap” to overcome these obstacles. More than anything, thinking that “I’m lacking”, such indiscreet worries are forbidden. Reflecting on my flaws and trying to improve myself, that I feel is sufficient. I have a certain type of paranoia. When I open the fridge, if I place things such as milk or soy milk in a position where I can see the labels, I get a sense of joy.
My hobby is collecting figurines, seeing all the plastic-made figures placed perfectly together puts me in a good mood. Maybe all artists think this way too. Even if one day I feel tired or lonely, returning home to see my neatly placed figurines gives me a sense of comfort. Afterwards, as though I were like them, I’d reorganize myself again.
Not long ago, I had a long talk with my mom. We mentioned my grandfather who used to be an author. My mother said “You and your
grandfather are similar”. My grandfather’s name is Seon Gun Bae, like me, he spoke very little and thinks for awhile before speaking up. He wrote novels such as “Alley”, and also wrote the movie script for “The Land of Korea”, and more. He used written words to express his thoughts. His way of expressing himself is different from others, but very similar to me. Though he had no interest in compromising with the world nor conforming to society, but his appreciation for his family was heart-warming. Maybe it was because I spent a lot of time with my grandfather and felt his warmth, my grandfather was my best friend.
This happened 3 weeks before I shot the MV “Hello”. Big Bang was still fairly unknown to the public then, this was also before “Lies” was released. The members were worried with the thought “are we able to do well?” I was worried too. We were also worried about our “identity as a singer”. During that time, my grandfather was very sick, I wanted to hurry over to see him but was unable to due to my busy schedule.
One day, my mother called me, and told me that my grandfather was deathly ill. I let go of everything and rushed to the hospital. My grandfather’s state had worsened to a point where he was unable to speak. Maybe you knew that you wouldn’t make it past “today”. My grandfather used all his strength and energy to write down the words he wanted to say on a piece of paper:
“Seunghyun ah, give me your autograph”
Though I obliged to my grandfather’s wishes, but my heart was in pain. My grandfather, with shaky hands, wrote his own signature next to mine. Then, using the last of his energy he wrote the following:
“Seunghyun ah, even if I die I will bring this autograph with me as my last memory. So you must pursue your dreams, so that this autograph that I am holding will be truly valuable. It’d be great if my grandson Seunghyun can be like that.”
Holding onto my grandfather’s hands crying, that was his last wish. It was also the best gift he could have given me and the best encouragement. From then one, no matter what I encountered, I faced it strong-willingly. No matter when, whenever I encounter hardships I think of my grandfather, in my heart I have left a place for my grandfather.
![Big Bang - Shout Out To The World! (English Translation) [2009]](https://img.wattpad.com/cover/11386946-64-k290294.jpg)