Firecracker (On Hold)

Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Three

Ariya's P.O.V.

As I jog away from Justin, I pretend that I'm calm and humorous, but my insides are actually screaming. I'm so angry for betraying myself yet again. He has this way of getting information out of me without him even trying. I don't like that. He's starting to break down my walls and I don't want that to happen. I can't allow that to happen. I can't deal with everything that entails. I need to protect myself and everyone else. If those memories really break through, then I might actually kill someone. As much as I like to pretend I'm ok with that, I'm really not.

Don't get me wrong, if someone deserves it, then I'll do what I have to do. If it's a me or them situation, then I will kill them. But I don't want to kill someone just because I can't control myself. That would make me no better than my father, and I don't want to be like him.

The rest of the fence check is silent but I get the feeling Justin is super analyzing our earlier conversation. I'm doing exactly the same, although I'm sure it's for completely different reasons. I hate that he can get a reaction out of me so easily. I'm not just talking about anger, because that is so natural to me that I don't even consider it a reaction anymore. I'm talking about the way he makes me remember things and how he makes me let my guard down ever so slightly; the little chip he causes in my defense system. I use the silence to reinforce that tiny little dent so it's more difficult for him to chip at it the next time he tries. I need to steel myself even more because I'm finding out that maybe he isn't as terrible as I think he is.

Now, I'm not saying I like him, that he's friend material or that I forgive him for everything he's already done. But I am saying that maybe he isn't all that bad. Maybe he's tolerable and maybe he actually doesn't know how to deal with someone like me. Trust me, he wouldn't be the first person to admit that.

My subconscious is screaming at me, telling me to protect myself and not fall for his lies. Maybe this is all his plan; to play mind games with me. Maybe he wants me to believe I can read him and that he's telling the truth but in actual fact he's lying through his teeth and I'm falling for his tricks. Is it possible that I'm reading far too much into this? Have I totally gone off the deep end and I'm looking for a conspiracy where there isn't one? Am I that far gone that I'm suspicious of everything?

Truthfully? Yes, I am that suspicious. No one does anything for nothing. There's always an ulterior motive behind everything. Even if it's doing something because you want a person's friendship or whatever, that's still a motive behind what you do. I'm suspicious of everyone and everything. This situation is no different. In fact, I should be way more dubious because Justin has changed his tune all of a sudden. Maybe Palmer told him something to change his mind. Maybe Palmer needs to keep his mouth shut, huh? It might just be that I have to do that for him. And once again, I am back to being angry. It doesn't take much for that to happen to be honest.

Just between you and me, it gets tiring being in a state of adrenaline overload all of the time. I'm constantly waiting and looking for the next thing to fight over or deal with. I'm wired that way and I can't stop the way my brain and body work. For one moment, I'd like to be able to switch it off and relax. I'd like to be able to get a few hours of quality sleep, but that is wishful thinking. I know that's not going to happen.

That thought leads me back to that night on the cattle drive, when I woke up with Justin's arms around me. I actually slept that night. Maybe it was a coincidence. It could just have been because I was outdoors again and I was exhausted from the cattle drive and dealing with that calf's cut. That's what I'm going with. I'll keep telling myself that because the alternative is not an option I'm willing to explore.