This is a book of Christian shorts, all one chapter. Shorts vary between spiritual journeys, real life settings, and I suppose what could be considered parables.
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Please... help me...
"What are you doing back here?"
The voice broke through the deafening noise for just a moment, but I didn't change position. I didn't even think of leaving the ball I was in. Didn't even think of removing my hands from my ears. Instead I curled up tighter.
If I moved out of this position, the voices would get louder. I would no longer be able to escape them even in the slightest sense.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you such a screw up?
That was wrong, you idiot. Wrong!
I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter. My teeth ground together as the smallest of whimpers escaped me.
"That won't make them stop, you know?"
Of course I knew that. I had been back to this place more than once. This solution didn't make them stop. But only because nothing can stop them.
The voices are indestructible.
Because I would always be a screw up.
Yes, always a screw up. I was stupid and would always make mistakes. Always hurt people. Always destroy what was good in my life.
"Do you truly believe anything is impossible for me?"
Of course not. But... The voices were still here. Even if nothing was impossible, they survived. Why?
Why did this torture continue if anything was possible? If it can end, end it already!
A hand rested on my back. "Then stop closing me out."
I wasn't closing anybody out. I was trying not to hear the voices. I didn't want to hear them.
My gosh - why didn't they just stop?
I wanted out of this place.
Here wasn't safe. Here was painful. Here was -
"When you start believing these words... You also shut Me out."
My breathing hitched as the tears finally started falling. How could I not believe the words when I kept proving them true? If all I did was mess up, how was I not a screw up? If I wasn't cruel, how did I keep hurting people? If I was smart, why did I keep making such stupid choices and feeling such stupid things?
What was the point of even fighting? I wasn't even really worth it.
"You don't have to keep saying what those voices are telling you, my child. And right now it is my turn to speak."
Out of nowhere, they stopped. For the first time in a long time, they just grew silent.
"I heard you call for Me, and now you shall hear Me."
Arms wrapped around me, chasing away the cold this dark place had brought with it. And even if just for a moment, I felt like things were okay. Like I was okay. Like I could stand back up again.
"You are so certain what these words say. You are so certain that your imperfections make you unworthy. Make you deserve this. So you just sit here and listen to everything they say even when wanting nothing more than to run from it. And when you finally talk yourself out of here, you still let them linger because, deep down, you still let yourself believe it."
Obviously because they were true-
"No, they're not true. These words saying you are not worth is because of minor flaws. The ones that make every little detail seem so much bigger and worse than they are. They are not the truth, My child.
"Because I already knew every single one of these these flaws you claim make you not worth it before you were even born. I knew because I created you. Flaws and all. Because in all these imperfections, I see the perfect child that I would give My life for again just to meet face to face one day. You shall make mistakes but you shall grow from them. And no matter how big or major, they will be forgiven. I will be here. Because I see your heart.
"And I will always love it."
My eyes opened, staring at my phone screen. An unanswered text stared back at me. It was exactly the same as it had been for I slipped into the dark place.
Or almost exactly.
Because now there were tear drops sliding down the glass.
How did He do this? With such simple words He chased away the taint the voices left with me. Those all too persistent voices.
He knew what they said. He knew the actions that brought them on. But was so quick to dismiss them.
Regardless of where here was, He was there. Knocking on the door no matter how often I closed it. And considering who He was - someone so pure and perfect - it was astounding that He would deal with me.
