Starving (GirlxGirl)

Part 1: First day of my life

Small town, breathless nights, and those street lights are keeping a lot of secrets, and memories.

This town is squeezing the life out of me, putting a lot of pressure on me, and sometimes I can't handle it.

I want to escape from this town, people, so called family, and all of those things that are holding me back.

I can't be happy here, again, I can't be happy without her. I can't look at this town the same, since she left.

I can't sit on the grass and stare at the street lights, sky or passing cars, without her. Its painful, it hurts, and it's not the same.

I can't sleep my pain away, I can't drink my pain away, smoke my pain away. I can't even cry my pain away, because I have had enough of the tears.

If somebody get to closer, asking me about her, I bet they would make a mistake with thinking that she may be dead, but actually she's not, and no one ever asked about her.

She's just far gone and I can't do anything about it. I know that I should let her be maybe, I should try to keep my pain at by, or just accept that I won't see her soon or ever, but it's so hard.

After all, she was my first friend, my first love, first kiss, first everything. She was my inspiration, my bright sky.
She was all I could think about, and all I could feel. She mostly still is, but in different view.

I live in fucked up family and she was always there for me when I needed her and when I used to push her away.

My dad used to tell me when ever he saw us together that she's fucked up in the head because you couldn't realize what's her gender, male or female. And actually, that was not true.

She was taller then me, with black hair cut til her shoulders, and gray eyes. She had well built body but she always wore baggy t-shirts, dirty sneakers, and jeans. She liked hats too, and sometimes she would wear them when she used to come to my house.

I loved the way her eyes sparkled every time she looked at me. I adored her smiles, grins, and the way her smiles reached her eyes. The precious feeling was when I brushed my fingertips through her hair, while she hold my free hand.

She was pale, with porcelain skin, and sometimes, when she grinned to much, her cheeks would get lovely shade of pink in them.

Her scent used to calm me down, make me happy, and addicted a bit more every time when I breathed her in. Her lips were so soft, and I was damned since she kissed me for the first time.

We shared unique connection, and I just want her here with me again. I need her. She's rich and her parents divorced before her mom sent her away with her dad, and it wasn't long after she left, we lost contact. I called but seem like she changed her number without telling me, or she lost her phone. Or she just didn't want to talk to me anymore, but I don't know. Really, maybe is better this way.

I heard that her mom get married with her neighbor and I wondered how she took it. I bet she took it bad, like the divorce too. Before she needed to leave, she cried and that was the first time that I ever saw her cry. I wanted to be strong so badly, but I cried even harder.

I miss her so damn much, I can't breathe. I wonder, how's she doing? I really need her hug, scent and laughter. I took my backpack from the library floor and headed back to the class.

I've history now, and I'll probably look through the window in the gray sky and wonder about her, or what I'll do with my mom and dad when I get home?

I came in the classroom and some girls greeted me, I wawed lazily and headed in my seat. I wore gray lazy, and light oversized sweater, my blue skinny jeans and white Nike shoes and I wonder why did I took this. I looked myself in the front camera and shivered. My skin is pale, clear blue eyes, lips to natural red, and light brown hair.

"I'm telling you... yes, new guy is so hot! " girl next to me said to her friend and I couldn't help it, I rolled my eyes.

"Really, imagine he have this class too."

"I don't know, but you should see him, oh my God." Well, I couldn't listen anymore of that, it's annoying.

Soon after, teacher came and start with his lecture, and my thoughts drifted of to my dad. Will he be drunk when I get home again? Will he let mom whoring around today again? Will he beat her up? Yes, probably, I hope he won't to much. Its making me sick.

When the bell rang I picked up my bag, tossed it on my left shoulder and went to another class with my head down, acting like no one is actually there. And no one is there for me, anyway. But of course, luck wasn't on my side, and my so called boyfriend headed towards me. He's my ticket to way out of the house, our dads are drinking together sometimes, and dad likes him, but he's making me sick sometimes. I'd have to leave the house if I ever told them about Cameron, or that I like girls for that matter.

"Hey babe." He said, kissing my lips and smiling wierdly.

"Hey," I fake smiled, and he took my hand, leading me to the next classroom.

Lunch time came around and I got food in the cafeteria, and went to sit alone when hand on my shoulder stopped me. I turned around and Jessie stood in front of me, seems like I couldn't be alone today because if there is not Ashton, then there are the fake friends. They said to sit with them and I did. They talked and after awhile Ashton came to pick me up and walk me to class.

When the school ended, I went home and mom was napping in the living room, knocked out of this world, dad was nowhere to be seen. Grandma will get sick of helping one day, and I'll probably have to work.

I did my homework, changed my chlotes and went to bed, with my old headphones. I listened Bright Eyes, specially the song Cameron used to sing to me whenever she felt like it.
I closed my eyes and imagined her holding me close, and singing it to me softly.  My phone vibrated and I looked at it, it was Ashton. I locked it again, and driffted to sleep.