Nanny

Reflections

"Can we talk?" Harry asks nanny as she steps in. She ended up coming home a day before the children returned.

There was so much he had to think about. So much that he was still confused about. It was a day of reflection for him. He still had so much to figure out. There were times when he was certain and others left more confused than before.

He knew that he had to talk his feelings out. Figure out what nanny was feeling. Not nanny but figure out what Aubrey, the woman, was feeling towards him. Sure, they both screamed, yelled and said things which hurt but there was more to them than that.

She was always guarded with him. Since, the beginning she safeguarded her heart. Made sure that he couldn't read her.

It was then that he realized that there wasn't much he knew about her personally. Only the few things she let slip by in comments. He talked about himself but she never talked about herself. If he ever made a questioned it was turned back around to him.

Of course, he never realized because he was so entertained by her. He guessed it was because she was shy when in reality she knew she would leave. One day she would leave them behind and she was already in too deep with the children.

If he was added to the picture then she'd be stuck there with them. Is stuck the right word? He wasn't sure how she felt about him or anything for that matter. He had to get some answers.

He had to know if he was right. That she always intended to leave when she made him believe that she was in love.

"Um." She stopped when looking at him. He looked at her differently. Aubrey knew this was going to be an actual talk. That he would try and listen to her. He looked determined to have this conversation. Finally, the adult showing up.

"Sure. The living room?" She suggested.

He nodded. He waited for her to lead the way. He was still trying to gather his thoughts. He was still trying to make sense of it, try and figure her out.

Aubrey led the way to the living room. She, herself, was trying to figure out what made Harry change. She was only gone a few short days. Did he come to some sort of realization? Revelation? If he did what was it?

"Aubrey? Aubrey?" He called out to her. She shook her head and listened to him.

"I don't know where to start. We've been avoiding, prolonging, and possibly evading all together this situation. I guess, we start off by laying everything on the table. Let each other know where we stand, how we feel—I don't know. I'm just trying to understand. I thought—I know I've confused you but I thought I also let you know I what I was feeling for you." He had gone from starring at the coffee table to looking at her. His hands held together.

Aubrey wasn't sure what to say. She wanted to respond but it was hard to find the right words. There was no right or wrong answer. She heard Harry let out a heavy sigh.

Her silence wasn't something he wanted to hear. He was disappointed in her and himself too. He thought she was ready for this. Did he say something wrong? Did he word it in a way that pushed her away?

They both were about to speak but stopping when they realized that both were about to speak. Both of them looked at each other. Harry giving Aubrey a turn to speak. Aubrey understood his right of way.

"I'm going to start of by saying that I have given this a lot of thought but you're right I'm confused. Confused by what you do or say and sometimes both. I don't want to look back on this and be upset. When I leave I want to be able to see the children. If." Harry interrupts her.

"Even after this conversation is over, you plan on leaving? I wanted to talk hoping we could fix this, fix us. I'm hoping—honestly, I don't know what I want out of this. All I know is that we still need you here. I need you here. You make life easier." Harry started to play with the ring in his finger.

"That's kind of my job. I take care of your children. I make sure they go to school and keep up with their studies. I make sure they're healthy, clean, and ready to go. I make sure they're tucked in bed, loved. That's what I do. If they didn't get you they got me.

"I was your replacement. Okay, that's a horrible way to put it because I made sure you were there for them. I took another job which wasn't in the job description. I worked with your secretary to schedule you around your children's events. It was hard trust me. I did more than was expected of me. I did it because I love those children and those children love you.

"They need you. I needed you to be there with them. That made them happy. It's my job." She recited the same speech to him. This time it was worded differently, it wasn't in anger but in a calm manner.

"I know that. I'm asking what you want. I want to know if you'll stay with us or will you leave us behind. It feels like the moment you walk out the door with your bags, you'll never come back again. And I'm afraid because I don't know you. All this time we've lived together I barely got to know you. I know what you don't like to eat, your parents rarely ever showed up to your events, and you once said that you would leave until you found a job or we didn't need you any longer. So which is it? Because I know we still need you.

"And I don't believe you've looked for another job. You haven't, you're stalling the inevitable. You don't want to leave. If you did, you would've left the moment you handed me your resignation. You're looking for a reason to stay. I'm giving you one. I'm asking you to love me and my family. Is that too much to ask?" He's coming of fearful for an uncertain future. An answer which may break not only his heart but that of his children.

Tonight might shift things once again between them or they'll remain as they are. He can't keep up with the façade in front of his children. He wants all or nothing.

"Harry." She's unsure of everything. He managed to stir her once again. Aubrey felt those feelings which she hadn't felt since their first kiss.

"It's not hard, Harry. I'm just—I'm not sure I'm the right person for that. All that back and forth. If you did feel anything for me, why did you date Selena? To make me jealous? Because when I started to date Ashton I did it with the full intention to forget my infatuation. He's winning my heart.

"I've guarded my heart when it came to you. I was afraid to fuck things up. I was afraid to become some fantasy to you. Am I? I've been playing wife here. I've been playing this person which Darcy admired and looked up to." Nanny was starting to rewind when Darcy would say "my mommy would" "just like mommy" "are you going to like mommy?"

She did her job too well. She took over as a mother and wife. Boy, did she ever. The reflection of it all clear now. Harry didn't love her. He was still in love with his wife.

"Fuck," she said at the realization. Nanny, herself, was becoming his wife. When did she stop being Aubrey for them? For herself?

"I screwed up anyways," she mumbled.

The reflections in this short conversation gave them something to think about. Both of them making revelations about themselves and about one another. It was starting to feel like they were only steps away from closure. Closure to these rollercoaster rides they've been having. What kind of closure can they get? That's the only question in their mind.

{a/n}

December 26, 2016

Did you guys have a good Christmas?

I think when you're angry you tend not to listen to what people say or see how truly they feel. It's a different perspective with every emotion.

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