Diary To Him

December 13, 2016

Dear diary,

Today he left me.

He left me crying to myself.

He knew he was hurting me but it didn't matter to him.

Because he says it was just fun for him. He says he never loved me.

But somehow, I am not ready to accept this.

I have this strange ache in my chest whenever I remember how careless his voice sound when I called him. When I read his text, desperately trying to get rid of me, it makes me feel like I am a burden.

Am I that bad?

Did I bother him that much?

I can't say these things to him because he pushed me away. He just wanted me gone.
Its like our love never meant anything to him. Or maybe my feelings never meant anything to him.

But it mattered to me. I loved him. I still do. And I probably will always do.

And the worst part about all this is, he was the first guy I fell for. I had never felt for any guy the I feel for him. He is the only one I love and he betrayed me. He left me.

Why?

I don't know. I still can't understand. Or maybe I don't want to accept it.

How can anyone fake love? Its not possible right?
Atleast not for me....

The first time he texted me, I knew he was just flirting with me. He was not serious. But he was trying so much. He shared moments with me. He gave me some weird feelings.

Every girl knows the difference between a flirt and real love.

A flirt would never try as much as he did...

I am just not sure of anything anymore.

I just want to cry and forget him. Forget any of this ever existed.

I want to forget that I fell for a wrong guy.

I want to forget that he fooled me.

I want to forget he played with my feelings.

But then I never faked love, so I guess it won't be easy for me...

I am angry at him...

A lot...

But I know if he texted me or called me again, I'll reply immediately. I won't miss my chance to have him back...even if he's bad for me.

I just know I can't bear with hiding my tears and I just can not bear with this pain.

I know he won't read any of this...he'll probably never know that I've written a diary to him but just this last hope. I want to hold on to this last hope and wait for him.....

Everyone told me, warned me actually, that he is not right for me. He is probably faking it. But I ignored them because I couldn't ignore my feelings for him. And now he is gone...like whoosh...

Maybe tonight I'll sleep crying but maybe tomorrow morning he'll text me...

Or maybe I am just giving myself the false hope but I am so helpless.

I can't tell my parents that I fell in love a guy online. They'll declare me as a crack person and maybe take away my ways of communication.

And my friends? I can't even tell them because they warned me in the start. And the few who supported me, well what can they do? All they say is forget him but if forgetting him was any easy I would have done that till now.

Its just the memories...

Our conversations...

Our phone calls...

His voice...

Everything is gone...

I can't believe it!

I am a terrible terrible person! I must've done something really bad to deserve it!

Maybe its my punishment for believing in love and believing him...

Maybe punishment for not ignoring my feelings...

Maybe a punishment for loving him...

But I am not ready to give up yet...

I'll wait...

I'll wait for 30 days for him...

I'll write him 30 days of my life...

After that....I don't know what I'll do...

I'll just go on missing him or maybe something better will happen...