ignite // phan

ret•ro•gres•sion

*flashback*

"You're a worthless piece of shit, get your gay ass up to your room and don't ever come out!" Dan's father called as Dan sprinted up the stairs.

"You are a disappointment to both me and your mother!"

Dan made it to his room, his eyes filled with tears.

He opened his door and tried not to slam it shut. He didn't want to make his father any madder than he already was.

He scrambled onto his bed and curled himself up into a ball, attempting to make himself as small as he could, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could disappear.

His tears fell down his cheeks in steady streams, and Dan was unable to stop them.

"Weak" one yelled.

"Disgusting" screamed another.

And it was all because he was gay. Because he wasn't like everyone else. Because he was different. Wasn't love, love?

"Stop!" Dan screamed. "Please, stop, I'm sorry, I'll fix it. I'll make it better."

Maybe he wasn't gay. Maybe there was something wrong with him that needed to be fixed. Maybe he could convince himself that he was normal.

He sat up, his hands shaking violently.

He reached over to his bedside table and opened the drawer, revealing a small red lighter.

He reached for it, not giving it a second thought.

Dan didn't really think of the voices as his imagination. He thought of them more as people. Horrible people who loved to watch others suffer.

Making them believe that there is no reason to live. That no one loves them, and they're better off just leaving, and never coming back.

Dan did just as they asked.

He raised his right arm so it was hovering just next to the flame.

"Do it"

He inched his left wrist over until it was just above his right and, in one swift motion, buried the lighter in the pale skin of his arm.

*end flashback*

The voices in his head got even louder, repeating the same taunts he had heard not long ago.

"Worthless fag!" They screamed.

Dan clutched his head, pulling at the now curly brunette stands.

"Stop it!" He yelled, stumbling backwards until his back came in contact with the wall. He slid down it slowly. His hands were still clawing at his head.

"Shut up!" He screamed at himself.

"Why don't you just kill yourself!"

They grew louder.

Then suddenly, there was dull to the voices. Dan looked down to his left hand. He was still clutching the lighter.

"Do it," The voices piped again, "we will leave you alone."

Dan flicked his finger over the barrel. Nothing.

He was beginning to worry that it didn't work anymore and he would be stuck with the chaos in his head all day.

He slid his finger over the metal once more and it finally came to life.

He admired the flame as it danced atop the lighter. It wasn't hard to become transfixed on the beautiful yellow and orange colours of it. Of course, the calm couldn't last very long..

"Nobody will miss you if you're gone, there is no one on this planet that loves you or needs you in their lives"

That was enough. Dan needed something, anything, to put an end to the voices in his head, even if it was for only a short time.

With once last glance at the lighter, Dan lowered the still live flame towards his right wrist. Not too close to his major arteries but enough to cause a distraction, about half way between the lower side of his forearm.

The heat ticked his exposed skin, warming it from the cold. The flame wasn't close enough to be painful yet.

"You piece of shit!" This time it wasn't his own voice yelling abuse at him, it was his father's.

Dan's eyes began to blur before he realised that he was crying and with that he lowered the lighter closer to his arm.

It got hotter and hotter before it finally came in contact with bare skin, making a sickening sizzling sound.

The voices stopped.

Dan gritted his teeth and let a painful calmness wash over him as the flame attacked his skin.