Dear Death

On January 15th, 2015 you took away my father.

I remember receiving a hysterical call from my mother, crying so heavily I could barely make out her words over the phone. Her voice, filled with fear, loneliness and despair, forced me to stop everything and rush to the hospital.

On my way there, I was paralyzed in thought considering what our futures looked like without my father. We never got along, and my sexuality inevitably became the single most important obstacle in our relationship that neither of us could - or would - overcome. My future was my own, and over the past few years I had become more confident in myself. I knew that with or without my father's love, acceptance or approval I would be fine. But for my mother, what would her world become? 30+ years of marriage evaporated in a single moment. So unsuspecting was his departure that my memory of my mother heaving in the corner of a hospital room will forever be burned in my memory.

Death came in an instant and left our lives just as quickly.

As Time moved on, crawling at first over minutes then days, life started to resemble some normalcy again. I gained perspective, and began to understand that the only certainty we have when we come into this world is that Death will visit us. And so we should cherish Time, and appreciate every moment we have with it as it's finite. Finite.

Time and I grew closer than we had ever been before. I had never looked at my future and my dreams and thought that something wasn't possible because I wouldn't have enough time. But Death reminded me that Time is my friend, not to be taken advantage of but cherished always. So I took Time to do things that I've always wanted to do, sharing these experiences with my mother in the process.

My mother and I grew closer as I desperately wanted to fill the void that my father's death had left in her life. I wanted to be a better son for her, not just because it was the right thing to do but because I WANTED to. I wanted to Love her to show her that she's not alone, and that she will never be alone because she's loved by me and everyone else around her. It's a shame that it took my father's death to incite change in me, but I'm trying.

Along this cruel journey I'm so grateful that Love was by my side. Love stood by me through the many friends and family that I am so immensely thankful to have, but most importantly, through the partner my father never got the chance to meet. This makes me so sad at times.

Ironically because of Death, I now cherish both Time and Love so much more fiercely than I have ever before. Nothing is certain in life except that Death will visit, so I am determined to live my life as though the Time that I have and the Love that I can share are not finite. They're infinite.