quick little note this is going to be third person pov
just fyi
dan and phil had been friends for so long, it was hard to imagine them being separated. even everyone associates them being together at all times. they aren't 'dan' or 'phil' it's always 'dan and phil', like they aren't even two different people. and, they don't mind, they know that everyone does this. they're best friends, and have been for what seems like an eternity, it was an eternity. but dan had always had deeper feeling for phil, he had since he randomly came across his first couple of videos one day. he couldn't ignore this cute and funny boy who was about the same age as him, he spammed every video of his until he got noticed. and from then on it was history. the skype calls and back and forth messages until they met and became the best of friends. then they moved in together and made videos, they even went on tour and to other countries and had become wildly popular. but in all that time, phil had never taken in account how hopelessly in love dan was with him. he always wanted to be something more than friends since they moved in together, and before that as well. people online shipped them, pointing little things out. the way dan looked at phil in videos, pictures of what looked like them holding hands, tweets that to phil were just things that friends said, and dan going along whilst his heart breaks even more. that's just some things people have done, and what dan wanted to be true. but the harsh reality was that what dan wanted, phil didn't.
dan lay on his bed contemplating everything that had happened between him and phil, and if his romanticizing fantasies would ever be true. the door to his room opened not-so-quietly and phil walked in. dan remembered, they were supposed to make their yearly 'phil is not on fire' video. it was the eighth video they had done of this, and it was hard to think back to the first video they had done together. it was adorably cringey back then when they first started. but looking back, it was worth it. it had gotten them so far now and without that first start dan would never be here, living with phil. and even though what dan wanted would never really be, maybe just being friends was fine as long as he could see phil.
dan's pov (because i accidentally started writing in dan's pov so ya know why not)
"dan!" phil called loudly to me. i jumped and sat up on my bed and phil chuckled quietly. "we need to start filming the video remember?" i nodded and stood up walking out to phil's bedroom and sitting on the bed. he turned on the lights and the camera and started recording. we did our intro and started by drawing cat noses and whiskers on each other. drawing whiskers on phil's face was the hardest thing for me to do, since i was so close to his face and i was touching his face. i couldn't help but smile at him being cute in general, joking and just being himself. we went through questions and what weird things people wanted us to do. and then we came across someone asking me to pick phil up and carry him. i smiled and persisted while phil retaliated against the idea, but eventually he agreed. we walked over to the other side of the bed and phil still retaliated, but i picked him up anyways. he was surprisingly light for such a tall guy, he was bigger than me and yet I could still lift him pretty high off the ground considering that i'm not a strong guy. he complained but was laughing nonetheless whilst i tried to walk around with him in my arms. he tried to grab onto the dresser behind me, but i pulled him along with me so i could continue holding him. he made a hurt 'ow' but i held on for just a little longer, then put him down. we continued to film for a little, did an outro, and cleaned everything up.
and that was it, we went back to our own rooms and didn't speak too much. that's just the reality of things, the reality that i wish was different. i wish it was different. i wish i could say that me and phil felt the same about each other, that we could cuddle up together and fall asleep together, and kiss and do cheesy couple things that were stupid but adorable because they just were. i want that with phil, but he doesn't want that with me. and i can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone but him, it's breaking me. i see him every single day, i think about him every single day, but he doesn't think about me in the same way that i think of him. every time i see him, i desperately want to be something to him that i'll never be. something more than what i already am to him, something more than just a friend. but i can't be that to him. it breaks me to see the one person i love, because i know he'll never think of me the same way. sometimes I lie to myself and think that i'm dreaming. i think that i'll wake up next to phil and it was just a dream. and then i wake up and i'm all alone in my own room. and i don't want to live like that, but i have to.
i can't think like this all night, i might cry, i don't want to cry because of him again. music helps slightly with calming me down, if i don't listen to it my depression and anxiety might get out of hand. i look over at my phone and headphones and grab them, plugging the headphones into my phone and putting the earbuds in my ears. i unlock my phone and put some music on, i didn't care what it was as long as it could drown my thoughts out and put them in the back of my mind for another time.
open the slits in your face and start your day,
twenty one pilots was fine, especially this song. it was one of my favorites by them.
look in the mirror and ask your soul if you're alright,
i'm not alright, though. i wasn't alright since that night i first got a response from phil on youtube. that night was so long ago that it seems unreal that we've ever come this far with our lives. years and years ago, i was still infatuated with him, though probably not as bad as now was. i lived with my parents before college and basically spent that entire year starting my youtube channel and watching youtube. and then i found phil, god, that was so long ago. we were different back then compared to now. and looking back on that first time i talked to him, it was a blessing and a curse. on one hand i have someone who i love with me by my side, on the other he doesn't even know about my feelings and doesn't return them.
life is just too complicated for everything to be perfect.
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new story yay
cri it is not fluff
it is cri
