Only You (Matty Healy/George Daniel)

28: It's Okay

John had almost caught him with it the other day when he'd been trying to find a place to stow it where no one would discover it.

It had been stupid of Matty to have it out at all, but with George off on a coffee run, he'd thought it had been the perfect opportunity to do so.

He still isn't sure if John had seen, he hadn't specifically asked him what was in his hand at least, and Matty had quickly stuffed it into his pocket as soon as he'd realized he wasn't alone.

Still - when John had inquired if he was alright, Matty had started crying before he could stop himself, because he wasn't - not even close.

John hadn't pried, he'd simply sat Matty down on the closest bunk and let him weep against his shoulder, listening intently as Matty muttered about how exhausted he was, how thinly stretched he felt, and John had bought his vague excuses just like Matty had been hoping he would.

Matty can't keep up this farce forever though, he'll be found out eventually, if not by George, then by one of the other boys who will tell him instantly.

Matty can't let that happen, but if he's going to avoid the inevitable, he has to stop what he's doing to himself. He's just not sure if he can manage that without George there to ease him through it.

Quitting once had been hard enough. There were times where Matty had wanted to die so he could escape the horrible symptoms of withdrawal, but he'd been in much deeper then, so maybe this time he can handle things without leaning on George as much as he had before.

But to do that, he's got to distance himself from George even more than he already has. The idea alone pains him, but George is clever. He'll figure out soon enough that Matty's not just ill or worn out from touring, so as much as Matty cringes at the thought, he knows he has to pull away from the one person who can give him comfort with his presence alone.

It will just be for a short while after all. Once he's got himself sorted out, he can focus on George again, maybe he'll even try to untangle the mess in his head that is overflowing with more than just his addictions.

Matty can do this - maybe, but he's got to at least try to correct the nasty turn he's taken if he wants to mend the rift that's sprung up between him and George, and to accomplish that, he's got to deal with his own issues first.

Matty gets up carefully now that his mind is set, slowly untangling himself from George's limbs without waking him. He has no idea what time it is, but everyone else appears to still be asleep, so Matty knows he has to take care of this now before they awaken or he loses his courage entirely.

Matty makes his way to his bag with ginger steps, his spine aching fiercely as his bends over to dig through the scattered contents, providing him with a physical reminder of what he had done with George last night, not that he needs one since he knows he'll never forget it.

Matty allows memories of their evening together to flood his mind as his searching fingers close around the baggie he'd stuffed in a sock without a match, focusing on that instead of what he's about to do.

He recalls how George had looked hovering above him, how full he had felt with George's cock in him, pushing away the coiling tendrils of guilt until he remembers nothing besides how incredible everything else had been.

Matty begins to shake when he locks himself in the toilets, his thoughts going blank and scattered as his body protests against his actions.

He's already craving another line, but it seems like he always is lately. Maybe one more before he flushes it all away won't hurt, just to help him maintain an aura of normalcy when George confronts him about last night, which he's sure to do as soon as he wakes up.