Lean on Me

Final

It was the beginning of autumn, but I already lost my urge to welcome the new season. It was not like me, for usual. I used to be a cheerful one for everyone else. Yet I had to face my boredom and being a frank kind. I started to distant myself from my colleagues, even the worse I estrange my best friend. One of the kind who usually being fine with my cold side, but now I was unable to relax by his side. I reached the limit of myself. I wanted to calm down myself, but it did not work at all. The several days I tried distracting myself to other activities just bringing myself to another unsolvable problem. I could not filter my words. I started to hurt everyone's feeling, even hurting myself. Not forgetting how much I spilled over the bad words to my project partner, my close brother, my group and today my best friend, Lee Seokmin. I was not like I was tired of befriending with him, but I wanted to rebel against everyone that I knew. I was tired of hearing people's words — cause I knew, they simple talked about lie. They had never been in my position.

Since the beginning of new semester, I lost my passion of finishing my degree. Sometimes I wondered why I fell into this trap of life, sometimes I became mad at myself of forcing too much on studying, pushing myself into the limit and being so kind towards everyone, but in another time I gave up and letted everyone burdening me instead of I putted everyone in my grudge. In the end, I would receive and send many pains. Also, I ended up crying alone in my room. Thankfully I lived alone in this big city, my parents and brother still lived in hometown.

On top of that, right now I was back shedding tears. To be honest — even breaking up with my ex-girlfriend, I would not cry or feel sorry. Mostly the reason Seokmin made for them, then they would rage at me. It was 'I have another girlfriend'. For first, they would believe but soon they knew the real reason, they begged for an apology to me, though I was being fine. It was not like being in a relationship as part a boredom, however I thought it was not a kind of relationship that brought happiness to me. I realised that I just aimed to make a happy life for them, creating a good memory with them while in my side, I was faking a smile and pretending all the affections that I gave during these times as an adoring way. I meant like — in my mind I assumed they were my close friend, a female friend that I needed to show more affections but in the end they were falling in love with me. So it baffled me. Why I became so touchy after snapping at Seokmin?

Perhaps it was my fault, to make a gap between me and him, but it was not entirely a fault since I tried to not hurt him more from myself. I tried my best to not harm anyone else that caused by my state. Though it would bring lonesomeness to me, it was perfectly okay than hurting anyone that had no idea how to heal and bring me up again. But it was not a first fight I got with Seokmin, I had fought with him many times yet it was the first thing I felt odd. He did not retort anything, he remained still at how I hissed his act that wanting to drag me to — well I did not know where he was gonna tug me, however I complained and said any words that I regretted just now. It was because my good mood was nowhere, well I was being lazy to move myself to any paths he wanted to firstly. I was in badmood. I was bored. I was tired. Now I was all alone. He might be thinking that I was the weird one because I had never been like this, seriously. I used to manage my inner feeling well but it might be exploded and became worse because I held the emotion that shall be shown before. Now it had been occurred. I could not change it, I thought I would never be able to fix everything that I made because of the explosion itself.

I slowly hauled myself to move then throwing myself onto the bed. Grabbing the blanket to envelope me, it was better than anything, none would harm me this night. I would assume like that. I shut my eyes closed but something bothered me. A notification. I checked my phone and there was a message.

From : Jihoon
"you are okay? don't forget your dinner"

To : Jihoon
"nah I'm okay, dont worry"