Have you ever felt your perfectly shaped life crumble and disintegrate into small pieces that you can't glue back together? When the world has just left you on the curb and you realized nobody really cared enough to say one final word? Seeing pain hit you in the face with the smell of death on its hands? Having it rip everything you ever earned into scraps of nothingness that turn into ash and fly away? Physical pain was worth going through than the actual truth. This black hole that seems to suck you in an inch further every day. I can't see the light. I haven't seen the light in a while. The light that so many experience and I yet desire to see once again. Their fake smiles and fake pity don't make my situation better. They think I can't see through them but actions speak louder than words. I feel cold maybe dead or just completely numb from society's tricks. Did I fall? Yes, I did.
All the pulchritude the world had to offer was overthrown with the madness of those who left. What would you do when someone you care about dies in your arms and tells you they'll never forget you as their last words? Blood. Trickling down their arms. Plop...Plop...Plop! What would you do?
I cried for days until I couldn't. The first time I saw tragedy strike in my golden quintessential life scarred me for eternity. This gloomy thing I call my state of mind found Earth to be worse than the pits of hell.
Death.
Death is a pretty common thing. You live to impress and be like your role models. You reach the highest peak of happiness just to have it crumbled. No one has been able to defy death. Those that cherish death can't receive just that unless they hurt.
Faith had died. She told me she was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer about 2 years ago. She told me it wasn't a big deal. She once told me she felt that she had lived her full potential or so-called legacy and that it was time to dim her light. She taught me what the light was. I had never thought of it that way. We all know the light, but we are too busy solving our own problems to embrace it.
I wanted to make it up to her. We were best friends for as long as I can remember. I had a little crush on her and I think she knew it. Those last few months were spent being reckless and living the lives we never dared to try. I remember that one night as if it were yesterday.
I asked her to homecoming. I was so nervous that night; I had spent the whole month trying to convince her father to let her go. He understood that it would soon be too late. I knew he liked me but he always had a barrier built around him and his daughter to protect Faith from the demons to come.
She had the most beautiful azure dress that night and the biggest smile. She had made me wait an hour downstairs but it was worth it. Her parents took pictures and cried acknowledging how beautiful their daughter looked that night.
I opened the car and she hopped in. I quickly ran to the other side and started the car. It wasn't the best car to showcase her radiant appearance. My dad had been able to afford the car at a run down dealership owned by fat men with greasy hair and the largest mustaches to ever exist after I nagged about how necessary it was.
"How do I look?" Faith asked.
"Amazing" I stated with an embarrassed tone.
"Sorry about my parents. You know they are just trying to cope with the fact that I might have to leave them soon."
"Believe me, I think it's great that you have two loving parents who care. I wish it was that easy for me."
"Kade, it's not your fault that your mom left. She shouldn't define who you are. You're an incredible person."
I chuckled. She always knew her way with words. She was an alluring human being. Faith had a great personality. She cared so much for everybody and never seemed to receive any of it back from many who got to know her. She had the most breathtaking eyes. They were a mix of cyan with gray that seemed to always display a sense of joy that was indescribable.
"Did you hear that Kade? Turn the radio up."
I did just that. I turned the knob slightly to the right. It was our song
"So come on let it go."
"Just let it be" I chimed in.
"Why don't you be you."
"And I'll be me."
She loves this song so much. She wanted to attend a little concert the artist was having in one of the many coffee places favored in town. I had given her a ticket but she insisted on buying me one because she said I would love the experience.
She wasn't wrong. I ended being more obsessed with the guy than she was.
"Everything's that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me ."
The speakers were booming with noise and we were too distracted to care about what happened next. We saw some headlights come from the opposite direction hitting the passenger door.
All I saw next was Faith screaming with shattered glass flying in the air, trying to hold on to the last bit of hope she had after being diagnosed. I saw my life flash through my eyes. I didn't see darkness although I wished I had. The last thing I heard was a loud thump of what could be two lifeless bodies.
To me, there are two ways to consider yourself lifeless. Those that die physically and felt pain for only half a second and those that feel worthless for being so stupid causing an even more unbearable pain that could ever be imagined.
I layed on the ground for what seemed like 5 minutes until I had the will to see what I had done. Luckily, I had my seat belt on for the first time since forever which only left me with a bruised and strangled chest and some scrapes.
I saw her body laying cold next to mine. I took off the seat belt that managed to stay on the whole time. I huddled next to her body and examined it. She had a piece of glass puncturing her abdomen. I tried opening the car door which wasn't jammed. I carried her out onto the ground and screamed for help. I could see tears strolling down her eyes which seemed shut closed. I couldn't help but cry with her. I was trying to make her life exhilarating.
She opened her eyes a tiny bit and gave me a weak smile.
"Kade, I will never forget you. You made me the happiest person alive even though it didn't last as much as I wanted it to."
"I love you Faith."
But she didn't get to hear those very last words before she died. The cold wind pressed against my back as I yelled to the night sky.
"Why?!"
Suddenly, I was engulfed in police sirens. They came too late. Why now?
They took her away from me wrapping her body in a black bag while I was being treated inside the ambulance feeling guilty for taking such a precious life that not even her father could protect because I was her demon in disguise.
I heard a large slam coming from my right. I turned to see who had arrived. I knew this wouldn't end well. It was her parents. I didn't expect what happened next. They both ran up to me and hugged me. It hurt me more than anything. I wish one of them would have punched or even kicked me to death because any pain was better than the overwhelming feeling I was facing internally. I could never look at myself the same way I did 2 years ago.
I would never forgive myself.
I let her go.
--------------------------------------------------
I decided that I should re-do the book and give it a better potential I know that not many might read my stories but I appreciate it anyways. I have been gone way to long annd I can't wait what the future holds for this account. Hopefully, we will prosper together.
