The "D" is for everything

Depressed

I had just got out of a argument with my mom and I was now upstairs in my room, wit the door closed. I was crying my heart out on the inside but the tears did not fall on the outside.

When I get alone by myself, I think of all the things that hurt me but I never showed any emotions to. Now that I think about it, I think I make my own self depressed. Anyways, I was sitting on my floor just thinking about my life and my future. I was having problems at school and it was affecting me, my mom was starting to notice. I was barely talking, eating alot, sleeping alot, and always angry plus my grades were dropping. I was a victim of bullying, harassment, and racial discrimination, and my mom did not understand what I was going through because she was not me.

She yelled at me about my grades but never seem to ask me what was going on and how, I always had good grades up until now. She thought it was a boy but did not know that I liked girls and girls was the last thing on my mind at the moment.

Now I'm sitting here, crying without tears and depressed with fear because it's getting worse to the point where I want to fight everyone and go hide in a box. I always call on god to protect me and he does but I feel so alone and scared that I might have a outer body experience and lash out.

My dad was a man of anger, he was always angry and scary so was my mom. I guess you could say I picking up on their ways but I can't help it but I can stop it. My parents have a lot more bad qualities than good and I'm afraid I might turn out like them but I'll try my best to stop myself.

My high school was just like any other high school, we got the jocks, geeks, cheerleaders, and the others. That was until I got there, it was my first day and I was excited to make new friends, and meet new people. I arrived at the school, went to the main office, got my schedule, and you know the rest. I had 2 periods down and 6 periods to go, during 3rd period is when I noticed this school would be shit. It was health class, I had came late because I got lost during passing time, when I opened up the door I was nervous already because I had come in the middle of the school year and everyone was already settled in. I walked up to the teacher with my schedule to show her that I was new and in this class, I was relieved when all the people were engaged in their own conversations to noticed that I had walked in.

"Welcome D" she said with a smile, extending her hand for me to shake.

I gave her a smile and shook her hand, I had never seen a smile so fake in my life but to me all teachers are like that so I was unbothered.

"Everyone! Settle down this is D and it's her first day" she said, looking at me and then the class.

I just looked at her because I was afraid to look at the class, but I did noticed when I first walked in that I was the only black person in class. It was fascinating to be around every other race but not my own, all my life I lived in Chicago and I had been around nothing but black people but now things were different and I was excited. Violence was getting crazy in the Chi and my mom did not want us around all that so we moved to Iowa for a fresh start, don't get me wrong I did not want to leave but it was not up to me.

"D your seat is right over there" she said pointing to the back of the room.

"Behind ethan, ethan raise your hand" she added, pointed to the brown haired, brown eyed, white boy in the back of the room. I admit his swag was crazy but I had never been friends with a white boy so I was cautious of him.

I grabbed my backpack and walked to the back of the classroom, as I was walking to the back I heard laughter from this boy with blonde hair who I'm guessing was a jock.

"She is so fat" he mumbled to his friends as I walked by

I was unfazed by that because I had heard it all before. I got bullied in Chicago at my old school about my weight and it hurt me in the beginning but then I stop giving a fuck. Then the next thing he said got me mad as ever.

"Nigger" he added, the whole class bust out laughing but I was mad as hell.

"What the fuck you just say?" I questioned, getting up from my seat and walking over to him. But before he could say anything, I pimp slap the fuck out of him.

I grabbed my backpack and I left the classroom to go home.

That was a year ago, since then I have been getting bullied. First it was him, then his friends, cheerleaders, and then the whole school. At first I could handle him but when everybody started bullying me, it became overwhelming and pushed me into a corner which is why I am sitting on the floor contemplating on if I should take my life or not.

I got up, ran to the bathroom, grabbed my diet pills, some water, and ran back to my room locking the door behind me. I sat down and silently screamed to myself, then I felt my face and felt something wet, realizing it was tears I became numb to them because I was so sick of crying all the time. I was only 14, why am I going through this at such a young age? I thought I was supposed to be happy, playing with friends, and trying not to get cooties from boys but instead I'm worried about my weight, skin color, and facial features. My family was not helping either because they called me out my name also which I thought they were the ones to make you feel better about yourself but instead I hated school and home.

I swallowed the whole bottle of pills, sat there and just thought to myself that finally since the day I was born I could be happy. Then, I heard god tell me something and then I dashed to the bathroom and threw up all the pills I had just swallowed not even 5 minutes then I fell on the floor crying because I knew god had my back after all. I almost made the worst mistake of my life.

"Dekota!" my mom screamed from downstairs.

"I'm coming!" I yelled, flushing the toilet and closing the door behind me.

"Thank you god" I whispered to myself as I walked downstairs.

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-D