Love Under Control

Chapter 1

"Love isn't; do this for me and I'm gonna do this for you, that's not what love is. Love is just I'm gonna do this for you because I wanna do this for you."

C H A P T E R  1

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J U S T I N P O V (Justin Bieber)

There was one out of five. One out of five people on the planet who were suffering of this stupid shit thing. By this shit, like I call, I mean the disease which I don't know the name and I actually don't give two shits about it because I already know enough things and I just don't want to hear something else about it. I was one of these people, unfortunately. Well I don't think it was a mistake for my mom. That's, basically, my mom who learned me how to not believe in anything on this fucking planet. She was not protective at all. I know what is happening in your head when your read this. You're thinking that it's a dad thing, it's normally dads that are not protective and who don't care about their son, like most of the dads do on this planet, well that's what I think. Anyways, you're surprised that a mom is not completely on her kids like all the moms do, by this I mean that she learns you everything you have to learn, from the little things like talking, smiling, walking, open up to the world, to the teen things like be polite, keep being good and professional and all those things that you've probably heard enough times to hear it again. You're surprised a mom doesn't give a damn about her son, she doesn't even care about you or just think a sec about what you should be feeling inside after living all these things that caused loneliness. Well, guess what. That's the case of my mom. But I have to confess, I'm not completely honest with you. She was also affected by a problem that caused the incapacity of loving someone, which I'm not able too, the incapacity of learning the basic things of life to your kid, because your head was fucked up and was just sending you bad informations that were just useful to make you think that nothing in life was worth it. I know this sounds extremely strange to you, because you probably didn't hear this once in your life, and you'll probably don't hear it again. But don't go think that I'm lying and inventing things just to fuck up your head. That's not my goal. The fucked up head is the one of my mom, like I said. So, she wasn't able to taste the flavour of a smile, to feel it, or just to feel something. She wasn't feeling any love, any kind of feeling that's important to someone's eyes, like fear, sadness, loneliness, braver, angriness, disappointment, recognition, culpability, hate, happiness, comfort, in brief, everything you've already felt at least once in your life. This woman was completely out of life. Her facial expression expressed nothing. Nothing that could make you feel something. She was talking with a natural tone of voice, like she didn't want any speech made out of feelings come out of her mouth. She just opened her mouth to say basic things like yes, no, maybe, I don't know, dinner's ready, go wash your hands, etc. Never once in my life, when I say never that's never, I heard this woman say a sentence more than twenty words long. I wasn't really figuring this out, I was just getting used to it, like everyone got used to be treated like a treasure by their parents.

Well, that wasn't my case. I was treated like I had to be treated. My mom was nurturing me with the minimum she could do. She had never put efforts on the things she'd done for me. She never tried to do a little bit less than the maximum, or a little bit more than her minimum. Maybe because she've never been able to. Maybe because she didn't care a bit about my well-being or my happiness. I have to say that I don't even know what is pure happiness. Maybe it is what we feel when you learn what is love? Maybe that's the feeling we have when we accomplish something meanful for us, when we succeed an important step and we climb to the next one? Or is it just when you watch your favorite TV show that makes your laugh as hell, or is it when you feel on top of the world because you've got a good mark at your last school test? Perhaps is it just feeling strong? I don't know. I'll never know if I don't move my ass off to discover new things. And that's exactly the last thing I want. The less important thing for me in this life is to "discover new things". What is this standing for? What is this worth it, like everyone says? I don't know what's worth the boredom, that's the only thing I see in discover something. I don't know what's worth the time, well after all time's not precious because in my case I never do anything extraordinary of my dull life. That's the exact word. Dull. My life is nothing but boring, full of shit, wearisome, nothing that can impress. When people are asking other people what they've done in their life that was significant, important, meaning or special, they always find something to tell, something out of the ordinary, for example they've travelled to Las Vegas, Australia, Canada, I don't know where else, or perhaps they've jumped out of parachute and they had the most scary experience of their life, also they've maybe went to the zoo or boring things that I don't even know the reason of their existence because it's just a wast of time. But like I said, time's not precious at all. I don't know what "discovering" means to you, I think it means something different for everyone, maybe it means that you travelled to discover other food, culture, clothing, languages? Or also someone could thing that you've discovered different feelings by falling in love, the stupid butterflies in your stomach when you kiss someone? That's completely childish. I don't know how people could actually believe in this damn childish thing. Butterflies are just an illusion. Butterflies definitely didn't exist one second, it's probably just your food that you didn't digest or something like that because I don't know what makes you believe in something even more stupid than other shits like life. Love doesn't even exist. Trust me, things like texting someone and waiting the person to text back like your life was depending of a stupid damn text that will just say "hey" or "what's up" or "how you doing" how the actual fuck do you want to be happy with this kind of shit? That means nothing. I don't believe in little princesses (I restrained myself from saying the word b****) who smile every time a playboy texts to them and calls them "baby" and tells promises like "my love I'll always be there for you, you're the principal reason why I live" and after 3 months just go away and find another bitch to play with her like all the others. That's why I don't believe in what you call love. I would, with pleasure, just call it "lake". I know, your forehead has probably folded reading this, but you'll get me after I explained. In one case, lake is a mix of "love" and "fake", and I just compare a lake with love because a lake is a little part of water that finishes somewhere, you know, there is always a point where the water stops, there's two extremities. One of those is the beginning of the love, and the other is the end. and the part of the water is the love. I don't know if you get me well because I've always been a real sucker at explaining my thoughts, but I actually find myself really intelligent at this moment because that's the perfect comparaison someone could ever find to describe love. To finish, I don't believe that pushing a girl in the wall kissing her is a real sensation of pleasure. Don't you think? Everyone is like "pushing a girl in the wall is the sexiest thing I've ever experienced". Why? Where the fuck do you get the pleasure of hurting a girl? Well that's probably not hurting but personally if I was the girl, I wouldn't enjoy it.

My only pleasure in life is one thing. One thing that I think that people would be recognizing of. I think that they should thank me for this. Well after I've done it, I don't think they would be able to thank me but anyways. I think that's the best thing to do because you can instantly get rid of this constant feeling of being imprisoned in your own life, the feeling of regretting how you've built your life, yes, that's it. You've built your own future, with your hands, your own little hands, and if you messed up, there's not a step back button. You've inaugurated your life, with your money, and the money you've accumulated to live in the country of your dreams, to well pay the job that you've always wanted to do, was just one chance. You cannot recover the dollar bills you gave to pay your dream life, because you will, thoughtfully, figure out that this wasn't the life you really wanted. This wasn't the life you've always chosen to live. You just had this dream, thinking that it would be the most beautiful experience of your life. When you were young, when you saw in the movies that people were enjoying their house, you believed that you could do the same thing and go live in the same place than them, so you thought that this was the project of your life. You were gonna amass everything you could, from the money to the capacity, to live the life you supposedly thought could be the best for you.

But it was not.

That's why I do the thing I think it's better for everyone.

I kill people.