Chasing Amy

Chapter Four

“I think it sounds like fun.” Amy agreed.  “Hopefully they won’t have a problem with it.”

Amy’s declaration earned her some raised eyebrows and shocked stares.

“What?” she asked, looking around with a small grin.

“What?!” Lori cried, with her usual dramatics.  “The only time you talk about fun is to remind us that you aren’t capable of having any!”

“Yes, well, I decided that three months surrounded by all you people is a long time to not have fun.  Especially after last night.  So, I’m taking a vacation from myself.  It’s hard to be a depressed loner when you’ve got an entire camp cheering for you.”

“Well, it’s about time!” Lori declared.  She looked at Katie with a triumphant smile and nod.

“I’m going to go talk to Bob and Lexi.  Maybe they know more about the area than we do.” Toby announced.

Amy swung her legs into the aisle to let him through.  Lori and Katie sank back into their seats and pulled them upright again.  Amy glanced across the aisle to see Ty quietly watching her.  Then he stood and brushed past her to take Toby’s empty seat.

“So, what exactly does this change of attitude mean?” he asked softly.  “How much has changed?”

Amy held his gaze, his eyes their normal hazel brown.  But his expression was hopeful and she knew he was hoping she had changed her mind about him.

“I haven’t given up my anger.  I’m still furious that Dad died.  I’m still not willing to accept that God would take such a wonderful man away like that.  But I decided that it’s not fair to take that anger out on the rest of these people, be the one downer in their summer.  So, I’m going to try my best to be a part of this conference, a part of the group and keep my anger out of it.”

“And what about me?  What about us?  Still determined to call it quits?”

Amy sighed.  “Ty, I can’t avoid you.  I don’t want to avoid you.  But I refuse to let you back in, not that way.  My faith is teetering on the edge and I refuse to let you back in only to break your heart again if I can’t forgive God for taking my Dad.”

“Amy, I have every confidence that you will find your way back.  I know you’re in a dark spot right now, darker than any of us realized, and it’s hard for you to see God as loving and kind and full of blessings.  But life is full of peaks and valleys, and I really do think you will find your way out of this valley.  I wish you would let me make that decision about getting my heart broken.  I’m willing to take the risk.”

Amy looked at him, the battle in her heart causing a physical pain in her chest.  She wanted so badly to say yes, to let him carry that burden and take that risk.  But she realized that the reason she wouldn’t let him was because she did, indeed, still love him.  She couldn’t hurt him like that.  Not again.  She felt tears well up in her eyes and had to fight the wave of grief that threatened to pull her under.

“I can’t Ty.” She whispered.  “I can’t take that risk.  I already hurt you once.  I won’t do it again.”

Ty reached up to wipe at her tears, his eyes turning green with his own emotions.  “Amy, what you don’t seem to understand is that every day I’m here, every day when I see you and know that I can’t hold you or touch you, I hurt.  You seem to think that I can’t understand what you’re going through; that I don’t understand what it’s like to lose someone.  But I lost you – not because God took you away physically but because you took yourself away, emotionally.  I can’t see you every day and convince myself to let go.  Not when you’re so close.  Not when my heart still loves you.”