Realisation (Lesbian Story)

Realisation

After that night I could not stop thinking about Vivian and our wonderful sensual kiss. What had been awoken inside of me? I couldn't just disregard it simply as a kiss. A kiss was something intimate between two people. It meant far more to me than a simple lapse in reason. My brain and body were trying to tell me something. I thought about it all continuously. It consumed my waking hours. What did this all mean?

I could not get her out of my head. I could not stop thinking about her. My mind was in turmoil. I thought she was beautiful, yet I hadn't thought about her sexually. Did I want her? Or was it just a longing for intimacy and affection? I didn't think both of us were that way inclined...but we had kissed! I was so confused! I had to figure out what I felt for Vivian and women in general. It was a more pressing issue on my mind that I couldn't seem to escape from. Did I want to though?

It was a tangled web of confusion and it was dominated by my trying to decide what I wanted. Up until now I had never seriously contemplated my sexuality. I discretely borrowed books on the subject of homosexuality, bisexuality and what it meant to be a lesbian. I could at least gain an understanding of what I was feeling. For days and days my waking hours were consumed with analysing and questioning. What joyous and exquisite agony - simultaneously exciting and harrowing.

I thought about this sudden interest in women. I found it rather strange - the sight of two women 'together' – kissing and making love had never done anything for me, but I did find some women attractive. A few times over the years - there were movie stars, mostly from the glamorous days of Hollywood, some TV stars and musicians that I found attractive, but I had never thought of them in a sexual context. Neither had I been physically attracted to any woman I knew personally.

When I was a school girl I found myself looking at other girls and admiring their figures. I used to scold myself for such admiration. It was wrong! I shouldn't admire another girl! I tried, with success, to avoid thinking about whether I was gay. I recalled instances where I had questioned and then subsequently denied my sexuality. I preferred to forget about it.

As I thought about it all, a phrase came into my head, 'everyone tells me it's wrong to want you so badly.' But was it really wrong? No! Deviations from 'normal' sexuality had been around for time immortal. If you truly wanted and loved someone surely it did not matter if they were of the same sex.

I think those feelings had probably always been there. I just strongly denied my potential homosexuality and I had not allowed myself to tap into them. Since that denial I was oblivious to how I looked at other women. I had never really analysed it again, until now. I had 'obsessed' over some women – lecturers at university. I don't know if it was sexual, to me it seemed that it was an intense admiration of their academic success and their lifestyle. But, in light of what I was feeling now, perhaps it had run deeper. Contemplating it, I recalled that I had been fascinated by the physical appearance of some women, but I hadn't thought about them in any other context than friendship. Those lesbian feelings were there beneath the surface, they just needed a certain woman to pierce my shell and release them. That woman had been Vivian.

My beliefs now allowed me to have these feelings for Vivian and women as whole and not feel guilty. No longer did I question if feelings like this were wrong or right. A few years ago I had finally made the transition to not caring what mainstream society dictated. I had surpassed the will to conform to society, with its particular norms and ideas of right and wrong and of love and sex and everything else we encountered in our everyday lives. I always knew I was different – it just took me a long time to truly realise it. I had longed to be like other girls, but I never could. My final realisation that it didn't matter was a godsend. I felt liberated. I would be who I wanted to be and not worry about what other people felt. I didn't have to be like them and it would make me a better person for it. I believed in what I wanted to believe. I liked what I wanted to like. I was going to have my own convictions, do with my life what I wanted and love whoever I wanted.