finding amanda - brian craigen

amanda

a black cloud of worry settles at the pit of stomach, my chest rising and falling a bit as i approach the boy behind the register. a rerun of my last visit with dr. eversteen, or dr. jasmine, as we call her in the teen's unit, races through my mind.

push yourself, amanda.
it all depends on you, fight or flight. you're in control.

it was nearly impossible to take the last quote into consideration. i was nowhere near close to being in control of what happens when i feel that burning sensation bubbling up inside of me.

today, my mum thought it was a good idea for me to get her groceries for her. i mean, there wasn't much on the list, considering it's just the two of us, but the fiery feeling was still there, waiting for my amygdala to take control.

my amygdala told me to dart past the male behind the register and out of the doors, dropping all of the groceries and forgetting i even tried to accomplish the simple task, but my feet stay glued to the ground as i slowly pulled out two twenties to pay for the groceries, my hand quivering in fear.

what if the bill is damp? what if he thinks i'm some freak with sweaty hands? what if i have to come back and he remembers me? the one with the damp bills and sweaty hands? what will i ever do with my life?

i reach out to hand him the money, and he must notice my shaking because he asks, "are you okay?"

i look up, my eyes scanning over his face. he has bright orange hair and freckles dotted all over his face, like a constellation of stars. his eyes are a light blue and his lips look soft and peachy-colored.

"yeah, i-i'm fine," i croak and he nods, handing me back my change.

"have a nice day," he says as i rush to the door. after opening it, i allow myself to whisper back, "you, too."

"so," my mum says as i plant myself in the passenger seat of her twenty-year-old mini van, "how was it?"

my breath catches up to me, so i reply, "great, mum. it was so dandy!"

my sarcasm is distinct, and she shoots back, "sweetheart," she soothes, "i'm only trying to help. dr. jasmine wants you to at least attempt to get back out in the world. the grocery store is just a start."

"maybe it's not a good time to start yet, mum," i try, "i barely made it out alive."

"you always feel that way at the beginning, but it gradually gets better." she explains and i sulk. "sure, whatever."

she sighs, giving up on my attitude. i don't blame her, i'm a mess.

the next day, mum makes me walk back to the grocery store. apparently, she forgot to put flour on her list. i don't know why she would need flour, though, we never use it.

i didn't fight her over it, so i just started walking. as i neared the store, the burning sensation bubbled up in my stomach again.

i remember the orange headed kid, and handing him my damp twenties. what if he remembers it? what if he calls me out?

i try to shake it off, and it works for the remaining distance i had to walk. the second my hand came in contact with the door, my body went into 'stay alert, anything and everything is an enemy' mode. i took a deep breath and grabbed a bag of flour.

maybe that guy isn't working right now, maybe he's off. or maybe that was his last day.

i turn the corner, my attention caught by the floppy tuft of orange hair sticking out from behind the same register as yesterday.

oh shit, my mind races. i scan the room, trying to find another cashier, but it seems he's the only one here.

"oh, hey again," he says, a lopsided grin sculpted out of his peachy lips. shit, he remembers me.

"h-hi," i stutter, handing him the bag of flour. as his grabs it from me, the palm of his hand brushes over the top of mine, and my amygdala goes insane. run, it says. run run run!

i pay for the flour and rush outside, pressing my back against the door after it closes behind me. i breathe out, not daring to look behind me.

when i get home, i focus on relaxing by listening to some music and talking in a groupchat i'm included in. the name is 'legends only ✅' but it changes about four times a month. anyhow, it's full of people i can relate to and share similar interests with. my mum doesn't exactly approve of my 'internet' friends, but at the end of the day, she doesn't care what i do.

legends only ✅

ashley 250: omg

char ❄️: LMAO SKSKSN

pumpkin spice titty: IM SHOOK

shree 💡: OMG HAHA

roni 💡: Hahahahaha

hi hoes

-

a/n
k so we'll see how this goes lmao.