Road To Nowhere

This is just something I decided to write this morning. Think of it what you will.

Ever felt like the entire world was against you? That everyone you believed in, thought that you were nothing but a wreck. You've spent years, maybe longer, searching for something- anything- that could make you remotely appealing but nothing had presented itself. You've come to the point where all hope is lost. Nothing meant anything to you anymore.

That was how I lived my life everyday, if I could call it a life. The people around me claimed to love me, claimed to know that I would amount to something one day.

That was nice of them, if only I believed them. I went through each day not knowing whether I would make it to the next. Would this year be my last or was I going to reach my goals?

I was so close, close to what I wanted but something was standing in my way. Every time I climbed over a hill, crossed a bridge, something else would appear in my way. I faced obstacles everyday and I was starting to get sick of it.

Heaven knew how many times I had been in the hospital because of a broken wrist or a sprained hand. The only thing that made me believe that I was still alive was the pain I felt after I punched a wall. The blood dripping down my hands to the floor meant that there was still life inside of me, whether I felt it or not.

I couldn't count how many anxiety attacks I'd had, how many nights I stayed up wondering who I would disappoint next. I've been told countless times that 'it was just a phase' or that I 'would get over it'. They didn't understand, no one did. To see that something's wrong, to feel the fear even though there was nothing was terrifying in itself. My family, teachers and friends all told e that I was imagining it, that it was't real.

How could I fake something like that? To have so many people around you yetfeel alone at the same tme was indescribable. I went from being friendly and kind and having everyone like me to a waste of space, to someone who was too sscared to take out the trash because there were kids playing outside. Scared to call room-service at the hotel because I'd forgotten how to talk to people.

I surpassed the months and days of each year wondering if I would ever be normal again. If I would ever return to the way I was. It was times when I thought like this that I had to remind myself that I was normal. Just because I spent everyday hidden away, devoting all my time to books and writing didn't ean that I was abnormal. I liked to find new things without having to step out and explore the world. I could do just as much good from my house that someone else culd do while touring Europe.

Because of all of that this is why I was currently rocking back and forth at the back of an empty classroom, sitting on the stone cold floor.

I gasped at the sound of the door opening and looked up in shock. I could barely see anything in-between the gaps of the tables and chairs, but I did make out a pair of faded blue jeans and worn out sneakers. I shook with the thought of someone finding me this way.

"Sarah? Sarah, are you in here?" I heard Ron, my bestfriend call out.

I cleared my throat and he stepped forward and sighed in relief when he saw me. I looked up at him and a new wave of tears made its way out of my eyes.

"Oh, Sarah." He sat down next to me and leaned against the wall. "I've been looking for almost an hour."

"Yea, I have a habit of making myself hard to find." I said as I sniffed.

"I've noticed." He looked away from me and over to the wall ahead.

There was nothing on the wall, not even a single picture about rules or whatever. Sometimes nothing could be the most interesting.

"I couldn't, Ron. They were all staring at me." I finally said. I took a deep breath. "It's not like my 'stage fright' is a secret. She didn't need to call me out on it."

"Stage fright. Is that what they're calling it now?" Ron laughed. "She does that. Her main goal in life is to make everyone else's life miserable."

"Tell me something I don't know." I scoffed.

"You've got to ignore them, Sarah. There are always going to be people like that around. After one generation gets swept out, a new one will be born. the world is a fucked up place but we'll manage." he looked down at me as he said this.

"I might not get over this." I whispered.

"It's not like I'm going anywhere." Ron shrugged.

"I knew there was a reason I kept you." I smiled.

"Aw, you're making me blush." He joked. "We can stay here for a while longer before we go."

"Thank you."

"It's what I'm here for." I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

Even though I was so used to telling myself that I had no one, I knew that I really had one person who had faith in me no matter what.

***