Bleeding Heart | REMUS LUPIN

Chapter Seventeen

The entire first week after Ivory's parents' deaths was the most difficult week of her entire life. Never had she ever had such a hard time navigating through her life. She felt so different at times. Sometimes, she was numb to the point of being completely uncaring. While her friends were conversing about their day or about their petty little problems of no particular importance, Ivory would be staring off into nothingness with a blank look in her eyes. This was what worried her friends most-not the tears, sadness or anger, but the complete apathy. But she wasn't always apathetic.

Sometime along the way, Ivory had stopped crying—in front of everyone else, that was. There were certain times that she could share a small chuckle or even a laugh with her friends, but her heart was never really in it. The only time she could still cry freely was when Lily, Alice and Marlene were fast asleep. That was when she would write in her little notebook feverishly, pouring all of her emotions into the small book. Some of the diary entries were even illegible, smudged by the tears that had dripped from Ivory's nose onto the pages. The book had never before been spattered with so many tears. She didn't mind much, though. Some of her entries were so full of angst and despair that she was glad they were illegible so that she would no longer have to cringe while reading them.

The first time Ivory was genuinely happy—her smile practically radiating contentment as it had done a few weeks prior to the tragic event—was the day her parents' funeral finally came.

It was strange for her to think such a thing, but her happiness did not have anything to do with the actual funeral. The happiest moment she had experienced since her mother and father died simply happened to coincide with the day that was set for their funeral.

When Ivory woke up that day, she found her dormitory to be empty; no sign of Lily, Alice or Marlene. At first, she was puzzled by it, but after a few seconds of disorientation, she remembered that it was the day of the funeral. She felt a pit in her stomach and she shivered, but not from the cold.

There was a black dress laid out for her at the foot of her bed. She picked it up and glanced at it quickly before immediately squeezing her eyes shut. She didn't want to look at it, for it only disgusted her. She suspected that she would probably impulsively burn it after the funeral was over.

Then came a wave of nervousness and she shivered again, this time more violently. The dress fell from her hands and landed gracefully onto the floor. She didn't know how she could do this. It was all too much and she was tired of breaking down. She feared she would either sob uncontrollably at the funeral or would display an absence of emotions that might end up leading people to gossip about her, claiming that she wasn't sad about the deaths. She honestly couldn't say how she would react in that moment. All she knew was that she was currently nervous to the point of nearly having a panic attack.

Taking a deep breath, she sat back down on her bed and closed her eyes, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyelids. It was all going to be okay. She was going to be fine. She would have seven friends with her—seven friends who loved and cared for her. How had she even managed to get seven friends? That was a lot, in hindsight. She didn't actually have no one left as she continuously repeated: she had them.

It was nearly lunchtime—she had slept in since she had been excused from class for the day yet again. She was due to be up in Professor Dumbledore's office in around forty minutes—that didn't give her too much time to get ready, and, having grown up with two Muggle-born parents, she stressed over this for about half a second before remembering that she could use her wand to fix her hair. She didn't need any makeup. She knew Marlene and Lily would probably be wearing it, but it was useless to bother with it in case she cried.

She quickly changed into the horrid black dress, wishing nothing more than to be able to vomit on it. She hated it because she wished it was a happier colour, but of course, black was the only colour to wear to a funeral.

Ivory then grabbed her wand and went into the bathroom, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Luckily, she had made the smart decision of showering the night before so that she would not have to do so in the morning.

Her eyes trailed across her hair, which was sticking up all over the place. There was one large knot near the ends. She used her wand to get rid of it and then to tame the rest of her hair—it wasn't perfectly wavy and looked rather like a mix between frizzy and straight, but it would do for now. She looked at her face and saw the dark bags under her eyes. The skin under her eyes was slightly swollen, but it had been like that for a week or two, and it was simply due to stress. She didn't need to hide any of it; she wasn't going to the funeral to look pretty.

In the mirror, Ivory shrugged and turned away from her reflection in the mirror indifferently. She had only taken fifteen minutes to get ready. It gave her some time to compose herself and then to walk all the way to Dumbledore's office. She used only five more minutes to worry and stress. She wondered where the others were...

Finally, she put shoes on and went down the stairs to the common room. There were only a few people there—some third-years who probably had a free period. They all looked at her black dress inquisitively. She rolled her eyes and walked right through the common room to the portrait hole.

It was a long walk to Dumbledore's office, especially since she was wearing heels and had to walk quite a bit slower than usual. During the long walk, her mind wandered yet again to where the heck Lily, Marlene, Alice, Remus, Sirius, James and Peter were. She knew for certain that they had to have already gone there without her. She wondered why they had chosen to do so...

Then she saw them all standing together, right in front of the gargoyle statue that was situated at the entrance to Dumbledore's office. All of them were talking except for Remus, whose head was slightly bowed as he stared at the ground.

Seven heads turned towards her as they heard her footsteps and Ivory suddenly felt incredibly awkward. She blushed profusely for some reason and decided to focus only on Remus, whose presence seemed to make her a lot less nervous. He gave her a half-smile.

She looked at each of them briefly—James and Sirius both looked dashing in their best dress robes, but in different ways. James looked handsome in a messy way, with his usual tousled hair, whereas Sirius appeared much more clean-shaven with his long, shiny dark hair. Peter and Remus each wore suits with more of a Muggle style to them. Remus looked adorable.

Alice, Lily and Marlene all wore different plain black dresses. Looking at the three other girls made Ivory feel slightly underdressed. They all looked great—especially Lily, whose hair was done impeccably. Ivory nervously scratched her neck and played with the neckline of her dress before deciding that she was being stupid and telling herself that she had deliberately chosen not to look her best today.

But they all smiled at Ivory as she came into view and though it made her feel even more awkward, she smiled right back. It was the kind of smile that could slide right on anyone's face even when they tried their hardest to repress it. Her eyes burned and tears immediately began spilling over; but they were tears of happiness. It was supposed to be a sad, desolate occasion, but Ivory hadn't been happier in days.

Of course, upon seeing her crying, her friends got the wrong impression and thought she was sobbing out of sadness. However, to make sure they understood, she grinned through her tears. "I j-just wanted to s-s-say that I love you guys so m-much."

Lily catapulted into her, wrapping her arms around her. Sirius came around the back of them and hugged them both, saying as he did so, "Everyone get in here... Group hug!"

It was then that she remembered something important: though she had lost her parents, she still had a family.