Disclaimer:
a bit sad, reader discretion is advised
And no, not because I love her and it's sad....
Well of coarse I love her like WTS
But bc it's like she's on her period
And then it makes me anxious and demands me to do something
"Im gonna do it. Just stop pressuring me"
And then i silently cry. Because I get anxious.
Well duh what do you think,that's what my anxiety does.
But also bc it feels like she didn't trust me when she demands me to do something.
Just now I took a shower. When I finished the dishes (witch she was super pushy about) she just yelled
"YOUR NOT GOING ON YOUR PHONE YOUR TAKING A SHOWER OKAY??"
Like.i heard you the first time. Your my mom
Not my teacher.
Just makes me feel unsafe when she's mad. Idk why.
When I feel unsafe i silently cry.
Maybe because of the fear that they are able to,and could, leave me to die, forget about me.
I always had a dream when i was younger that they just left me. For different reasons. Really weird ones too.
And ever since then i always had that fear.
And when she gets mad it just brings those memories back.
It feels really unsafe.
It makes me feel anxious.
It makes me silently cry.
And also these days you wouldn't be able to tell if she actually did have her period.
Or she's just in a bad mood.
Tbh there both the same.
And.
Just makes me feel 'weak' as a daughter, knowing that she's mad at me.
That I could've done something wrong
And I upset her
Disappointed her
And those fears keep coming back.
That she is able to,
And can,
Leave me.
But. When it comes to these.
I just realize.
Everyone makes mistakes.
But, some mistakes can make her mad at somone forever.
But with me, with her daughter's, every mistake makes her love us more
Please read
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I was very hesitant to write this.
And think people won't care and just call me "emo" again. Those people know who they are.im not mad at those people. Just disappointed. And by myself to. Because i didn't tell them that it hurts me. That you just think that all I say is just "emo". these are real thoughts I have. These are what make me cry. Saying I'm emo just puts another label on me. Just says that you actually don't care. I would really love for you to stop calling me that. I "silently cried" while making this. So just saying I'm emo, it would hurt a lot to just label me once again for my feelings.im not emo.im...I didn't want to say it in this chapter but...I'm depressed. And you know how that feels. You of all people shouldn't be saying that to me because you know that I am. I also know that it's just a joke. Its much more to me. It's saying that, my thoughts, my sadness, the feeling of being in a box is just me being emo. Not in need of a friend. Not in need of you. Just emo. No "cheer up Kacy" "stop thinking of those things and just watch some youtube" "go eat something, that would make you feel better" like you used to. I'm not saying any names specific. And once again I'm not mad. Not even the slightest. Disappointed. Just.. disappointed.
At both of us
