He is probably the most ignorant bipolar narcissistic jackass i had ever met but yet still i have no idea why wanted him for so bad. He treated me like shit at least like a hundred times and i still went back like WTF !!!!! I fell in love with an arrogant bipolar jackass. Still in love with him actually but if he found that out my life would disintegrate again. i had a sick obsession towards him. It was terrible. I craved him. His smell. His sight. His conversation. His touch. Just everything about him i craved. For a point in my life i was bent on getting him to notice me and when that happened i was bent on getting him to fall in love with me. I failed. Miserably. And it cut me so deep. Left me with an empty feeling inside. All that crying. All that depression. All that making myself try so hard for his attention and i got no where with him. after a while the obsession lessened and i was doing fine until it came back and this time it was worse. I was more stupid. If we fought he would always win. He would say some mean stuff and i would just sit there and take whatever he said. each time it felt like a piece of me was breaking but i couldn't let anyone see. No one knew about my obsession. They all thought it was a crush but it was more and he figured me out. He knew when i was lying. Telling the truth. Serious. Joking. He knew how to make me and how to break me. He just knew everything. But yet he was so hard to figure out. it felt like bdsm. Without all the sex and lust and play toys. Just the torture. The torture of him making me believe i had a chance and then bursting my bubble. He was the dominant and i was the submissive. Why wouldn't he love me back. I tried to make him see that i was there for him but that never worked. And every time i thought he was gone. He sneaks back in. Every Single Time. I think I'm moving on and he's back. Like ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I just wish he knew how i really felt. But if he did he'd probably just laugh in my face or make sport about it with his "Guys" fucking jackass. He went away for a while but now he's back and the obsession ? Its slowly creeping in. But i won't let it. I'll put up the biggest fight if i have to. And as always no one will know but him. no more crying. No more begging him to talk to me. No more of anything. I'm done and its over.
Signed : Anna
