I am dying. That’s right. It’s not an exaggeration, or a metaphor, or a figure of speech. I am literally on the side path of an alley, bleeding my life out. There is nobody around, let alone anybody who could be bothered to help, so I’m pretty sure I’ll die. I’ve made my peace with it though. I know I have lived my life to the fullest and it is time that I let go.
Now you might be wondering how I found myself into this interesting situation. Well I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later given my profession. Being a fence can have its own negative aspects sometimes. Who would have thought. Anyways, some guy figured that the painting I was trying to sell to him was a fake and decided that it would be a good idea to stab me in the guts and leave. Can’t really blame him actually. I have quite a smart mouth and I probably would have stabbed me too. Maybe not so hard though. Definitely not so hard.
It only hurt at first. Like getting pierced. You feel a sharp pang but soon the pain is gone. I can almost imagine I am adding one more piercing to my collection. Almost. But it doesn’t hurt anymore. I can feel the sharp blade of the knife resting there inside my body, and I can feel the blood oozing out of my stomach, but honestly, my body is just numb. I kind of wish I could feel the pain. At least then I’d know I’m still alive. Now, I could be dead and it could already be afterlife.
I can’t move my limbs. It really sucks because I really want to swat this fly currently hovering over my stomach. But I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ll be dead in a matter of seconds. Minutes if I’m lucky. Or unlucky. I guess it depends on the perspective of the person. Although, who would want more time like this. On the verge of death, having all these thoughts in your head but barely knowing what to think, so many regrets and dissatisfactions, so many missed out opportunities, so many things to finish, so many people to care about, knowing the blessing of life you are leaving behind, but not being able to do anything about it.
One never does appreciate the life given to them. I didn’t either. My life had never been exactly easy, but now I think that I, much like the majority of the population, had been taking it for granted. Now that I’m dying, I can think of much better ways to have spent it. Maybe helped people more. Leave my footprints behind. Not having to leave this world only to enter oblivion. Funny how you only miss something when it is taken from you.
They say that your entire life flashes through your eyes when you are dying. It does not happen to me. I do not see my younger self stealing stationery from school, or that younger self growing up and moving onto “borrowing” other things altogether. I do not see long forgotten memories of my dead mother, or those of a caring father who stopped being one at about the same time. I do not see myself fighting and crawling my way into this newfound world of criminals and reaching the top. I do not even see the last moments of my life, or the face of the man who killed me. No, I don’t see any of these things.
I do, however, see shades of bright blue, and a feeling of drowning in them blissfully. I know exactly what they mean. Blue is the colour of the eyes of the only person I ever loved. And the only person who loved me back. I feel a single memory of a soft and gentle kiss being pressed to my lips and a hand brushing my face lightly, almost as if afraid it would break me. And I feel peaceful. I am floating on blue, serene water. Suddenly it does not matter that I am leaving all those things behind, because my lover will always be with me. I know that if there is an afterlife, I will never go to heaven, but with that single memory with me, I will live through all hell.
Just as all light starts fading, I hear a shrill sound. But it seems so far away I cannot recognize it. It is coming closer. That I know. And it is getting louder. But it still feels like listening to a siren from 30 feet under water. Siren. Yes that must be it then. It definitely sounds like a siren. Maybe someone saw me and called the ambulance. Maybe I will be saved after all. Maybe I’ll be able to see those blue eyes again. Maybe this is just wishful thinking. But I can’t bring myself to care. The world is fading around me and my mind feels so calm after such a long time. I just want to give into the sleep that is trying to engulf me. And so I do.
