I used to believe that love is something we need and ought to have. When you don't get enough love, what will you do? Will you try to find love or just keep on waiting for someone to love you?
For me, love was everywhere when I was young. When I was at home, I was loved by my parents. When I wasn't, there our grandma, nannies, teachers were there for me. I lived in a bubble of everlasting happiness.
So what happens if someone pops your bubble of happiness? The result is, there will be miseries and insecurities coming for you. Happiness is still there, but since it can't win against both of the unwanted guests, it will slowly fade away.
After my sister and cousins were born,things were not the same anymore.People who once gave me love started to get distracted and moderately vanished. The once pomegranate pink shade of sky had transformed into a dark clammy sky that I didn't cognize.
Despite the fact that the sky had shifted to a sky that I couldn't comprehend, there is still a several dim light glowing around me. It was like a group of fireflies that are guiding my way into darkness. The light had contributed to my faith,optimism of being able to once shift back that funereal sky.
The light that had been guiding me is my father. He never dumped me like everyone else and He was the only want who accepted that his daughter were different from the others. I always never be able to socialize well with others. There are these gaps,bubbles,bricks image that I had on my mind. Since I was trapped in the darkness, it was impposible for me to jump into other people bubble (world) and talked to them like nothing had happened on my life. Moreover, they also didn't care about what happened as long as you could be used by them.
Even if there are fireflies that would guide your way, if they are reaching their maximum capacity, their light will vanish and die. There will be nothing left for you except the memories of having unattainable faith and those foolish hope.
The insecurity that had been howling inside my mind was the fear of the dying light from my dear father. Years passed and I was already in my high school. Things have changed a lot since then. A new booming game had been launched and my father were being dragged into that foolish world of game. His consciousness of reality gradually distracted and since that time, the light had been weakening and slowly vanished into the air.
With the dying of the light, the obscurity and darkness had constantly encircled me like hell.There were no one, no shining armor, no prince or anyone. NO ONE. I was alone with those unwanted guests. The thing that kept me on being alive is only music. Pop music, sad music, any kind of musics. They at least were able to do their job well- Leting me into the world that never existed in the first place.
I was kept alive for a few months or maybe years.. I didn't remember. All I able to recall was being as a girl who had her earphone nomatter where did she go or what did she do. I was a completely freak. I did not care for anything. All I did was to study well and get great marks on school so that I wouldn't be punished by my parents. In the end, I was being a good kid right? study and get great marks.
That was the time when I thought everything would go well. I didn't cause a fuss for anyone and my parents won't be troubled. I would just keep on hurting myself but it was nothing for me. This was reality. No matter how much I wanted to be loved, I would not ever get it. No matter how much I want to have a best friend, I would never get it for every friend that I trusted would just either leave or betray me. No one would care if I was not there in class. I was just alone, hurt and didn't what to do.
However, my parents started to realize how different I was to the others. I didn't hang out, I didn't ask to buy anyhing, just nothing. When ever there was a group task, I would be the one who would do EVERYTHING. They started to get really frustated and started to fight with each other about who were doing the wrong job on raising such a useless daughter.
I didn't know what to do about this fight. It was clearly my fault but I didn't know what to think nor do. With those pressure that I had been taking around with me and added by this fight, I was completely insane. I started to skip lessons, started to burst out tears out of no where and much more. At that time, I really lost hope and even music couldn't be my drug nomore.
There was a guy who I knew. He apparently saw my condition and tried to cheer me up. I was really messed up that time and actually I just let myself flow with him. I just felt a strong feeling - a feeling that I had been searching for my entire life and I thought it was love. Things started out pretty well at the first but not after. We fight and he saw me more than his obsesive things rather than his girlfriend.
The thing that I could not ever do was to turn down on someone. I thought it was just usual for me to suffer that kind of condition. The condition where you were asked to help to do his tasks and he would be angry if you didn't help him and so more. There are numerous things that I didn't wish to recall so I wouldn't write the whole thing down. Therefore, I did my best to let him control everything.
I was feeling more pissed and pissed off as the days went by. At first, maybe if I lend on him and had his love, I would be fine. But, I was not fine. I felt that nothing had changed and also my parents didn't approve our relationship. Despite that, I still continued anyway. I were so in need of love by that time.
After we graduated from our high school, we rarely saw each other and I began to feel those unwanted feeling again. The fear of losing the second light. My fear came true and with the rule of not being able to go out with him, I spent my day at home sleeping, playing with dolls and listening to music. I tried to break up with him several times but he never wanted to cut our relationship.
I could not do anything and since I was really bored at home so maybe our relatioship would work. However, days and days passed and my feeling of needing him started to fade. I myself didn't know that if it was love or not at the first place but there was no love anymore. I did realize this very early and didn't know how to tell him the truth. I felt gulity.
There were also several conflicts with my parents about what college should I go for. My parents chose country A and I chose country B. We fight a lot and there are a lot of tears flowing after then. I felt really sorry for my parents in the first place but on the other hand,I also wanted to fight for my own desire. I studied hard and finally be able to get a scholarship and at the end my parents allowed me to go to Country B for futher studies.
After enrollment, I was kept busy by the schedule and also the time difference, I wasn't that able to make time for him anymore. He was really mad and upset but I couldn't do anything. I already felt nothing at the first place. I did ask him to become friend and he did agree but the his friend context was different. There were a few conflicts and at the end I decided to block him and let he live his life differently now. No one ever lives his or her life happily if he or she stucks with someone like me.
Someone says that in order to become habit, we need to do things regularly for 30 days. Since I just had my break up, I would like to write a story of mine about the 30 days post break up.
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