Look Closer

Crushed

I couldn't feel anything except for pain. Blinding, crushing, neverending pain. Every breath I took my chest crushed in on itself. Every time I blinked it felt as if someone were driving nails into my eyes. I stared up at the ceiling but I could never see anything, my vision remaining unfocused for hours, no matter how hard I tried to see more than the blurry haze coating my eyes. 

I couldn't cry, no matter how hard I tried. There was so much pain in my body that everything had shut down. The only thing it was doing was keeping my heart breathing, keeping my lungs pumping, keeping my eyes blinking, keeping my alive. Why? I asked it when the pain became so immense that I wanted to die, not for the first time in the past few days. Why would you make me suffer like this? 

I directed my anger at my heart, at my lungs, at my eyes, for doing all of the simple things that they were meant to do. Why won't you just let me die already? Anger was the only thing that I felt, and it only came in short bursts. 

My body had become a giant piece of metal, and I could not move. My arms were dragging me down and would pull me right through the ground if I let them. I could not sleep because it hurt too much to close my eyes and see their faces staring at me, all four of them looking at me, asking me why I am like this. 

I refused to admit it to myself for a few days but eventually I let myself validate the facts that my heart already knew to be true. 

I had fallen for Micah. And I had fallen hard. I fell straight through the ground and into the abyss beyond, unable to crawl back out. I fell and fell and fell. 

I only stopped falling when he told me those words. Then I had started floating, trying to get myself out of the abyss. 

But I never could. It went on for years and years and years and I would tire and have to take a break, falling before I could make it to the top. 

I would  become angry, at him, at myself, at my stupid little heart. And then I would close my eyes to take away the pain and there he would be, his gorgeous eyes staring into me and melting my soul. 

You fell for him. And you fell too hard. Now you'll never get back up. 

I don't know why I still let myself fall farther and farther. I'm supposed to hate him now. 

I can't trust him. I can't ever look at him the same way. I can't. 

I can't

I can't stop 

I can't stop, why?

Why can't I stop 

Why can't I stop loving him?